Do do dee do do dee do do,

Sometimes there is so much in my brain which i want to post here, but by the time i actually come to do so it is not so pressing anymore. i've been posting here more often than to my livejournal, however. Just now, i edited this blog so that i could go ahead and invite some of my lj friends over, deleting part of the one embarrassing post from before.

A friend died the other day. She died in a terrible manner; she froze to death approximately 100 yards from her nursing home, clad in a nightgown and no shoes. The nurse noted her absence at 1:30 in the morning, but said nothing until asked about the woman the next morning around 7:00 am. Might she have been saved had this nurse said something? Perhaps. It is something i need to do , however, to relinquish my anger and pray for her.

It really brought home, however the dangers of nursing homes. Lord willing, i do not want to put mom into one, at least not until absolutely necessary. Traditional societies value their elderly, and care for them. The Bible dictates that we honor our parents.

Once again, i'm entertaining the notion of moving to the nearby county which would allow her to get into the special day care. It's a difficult decision, though, as it requires much prayer regarding whether getting a higher quality of care is worth leaving the area she knows, and in which she is so well loved and accepted. Oh, we could come home to visit, a lot, theoretically. She wouldn't live there though. She might like the adventure.

N., a friend from school who works with the elderly, told me today that he wanted me to remember i am only 29 and need to live. He wanted me to take this into account in any decision i make. i do plan on living, i think i am living now. It's just that this is now a part of my life.

goodnight sweetheart

Nightime is funny. Mom has a delayed sense of sleep, getting more energetic it seems as the evening waxes long. This would be fine, except that my natural rhythm is to wind down and relax after nine generally. Of the two of us, of course, i have to be the one to change. She can't.

i need more patience. i need to not be so cruel. i wonder sometimes if she would be happier in a retirement community. i just don't think so though.

i have found that mom will sometimes watch episodes of the tv show- due south- on dvd with me. she seems to enjoy it, and it is bonding time. It also calms her down, winds her down. Why don't i do constructive things like this more often?????

The plumber is scheduled, Lord willing, to come back in the morning to fix our drainage pipe once and for all. Oh to take a hot shower, and allow mom to use the toilet upstairs without stress. Oh for water to drain down, to not have to empty the tub with a bucket.

but God is good, and He has seen me through. Thank and praise God for all!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's a lady-

In a strong moment the other day i pictured myself a Proverbs 31 woman. i could, i thought, handle my life. i could provide for my family, feed the animals, go to work, care for mom, and chip wood out of the ground. i felt able to handle life, and prayed that it would go well. Klove radio has been amazingly encouraging to me of late. i prayed that this sudden burst of confidence wouldn't bring bad things with it.

Later that week i did fall. i hit the wall Friday night, a seemingly little thing pushing me over the edge, and stayed depressed through much of yesterday, but awoke this morning with a fresh mood. i prayed today in church about it, confessing my funk to God, and resolving to try and look at the world more often with joy.

May God keep me strong in this journey, and keep me joyful. i think of people who are far worse off than i- we have some electricity in the house. We have some water. We have some heat. There are people in the midwest who have none of this. Why should i whine and complain? This isn't saying that i always keep this mindset, but i am trying.

Manna-wood. That's what i've been thinking about lately. See our wood is a week late (go figure). i've called the wood guy repeatedly, and despite promises of a Thursday delivery, and a Saturday or Sunday delivery before that, he still hasn't shown. This sees me (picture for a moment if you would the humor of this situation) outside at night multiple evenings this week with an ice chopper, hacking into the snow and pulling back old tarps, to chop frozen wood out of the equally frozen ground. That in and of itself is not amusing. The amusing part is that i repeatedly performed this act in a skirt and high heeled dress boots. This has become my uniform for odd things i never thought i would do. Straddling the kitchen sink i reach into the ceiling to attempt to fix a pipe- in a skirt and dress boots. Standing back a bit, i pour sewage water into the kitchen sink (because the basin is threatening to overflow)- in a skirt and dress boots. Why? It is what i wear to work, and why bother changing, when the clothes need to be waashed anyway. It is daily life. You live in your clothes. Plus, it's just amusing in retrospect.

Anyway, back to manna wood. it's part of my recent resolution to see things positively. It doesn't suck that i'm so cold at night my feet go numb, due to our lack of wood. It is wonderful that God gives us, like He gave the israelites manna, enough wood each day from a seemingly empty pile, to see us through that night. Yesterday, He even gave us enough for two nights, as the manna was given to the Israelites before the sabbath. They received food; i receive wood. God hasn't abandoned me, He's helping me out. He shows me this through manna-wood.

and i don't quite understand just what this feeling is?????

i keep thinking that Elizabeth Cohen would though. It's funny, since i listened to her book, The House on Beartown Road, i find myself repeatedly thinking that she would understand me. i actually tried to look up a way to e-mail her. Has my current life made me a stalker too?????


See, when you are a caregiver you begin to adopt, i believe, the same sort of mindset that a parent does. Your world slowly shrinks, and you begin to consider your tasks at home as the center of your mundane existence. Home, work, amuse mommy, chop out wood, fix pipe, rinse, repeat, rinse repeat. i used to long for a nightlife each night of the week. i've winnowed it down to saturday nights, and am getting used to staying at home then. It isn't that i've entirely accepted my role as a housewife, i'm still pretty bad at it. i'm trying however. i'm trying.