Mom does not deal with waiting well. She is wandering around, and has been for the last half an hour or so that i've been on the computer. Meanwhile, bubs is talking (loudly) with his friend jeremy about the different sorts of alcohol, and my nerves feel strained to a near breaking point. my friend (aka best friend from home) turns thirty tonight, and as much as i don't want to drive 20 minutes away to see her (when with my windshield currently i have trouble seeing anything at night and was just reveling in my lack of need to drive far at night tonight) i ought to help her celebrate. i'd asked bubs to take me. he declined. he can't, you understand, loudly discuss beer while he's driving.
okay, mom is not going to stop until i give up and give her the computer for solitaire.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
i wish you well, i wish you well.......
This weekend (well pre-weekend really), xh., m. her husband, and r. came to visit. They came because, in the past, i have come to philadelphia to celebrate the new year with them, and this year i felt my home life precluded this. (mom is walking to the bank, please hold while i watch to ensure she makes it across safely.) So they came to see me. It was really a blessing, though, as always, nothing turned out so simply as planned.
mom refused to come with us. i was so embarassed, and felt so guilty. bubs has been caught, again, in a quagmire of depression. This is one of the deeper bouts- he lay in bed yesterday, too despondent to get up, and told me with sincere pain in his voice that nothing would help. i know what would help- God can, but he claims he's tried and God isn't answering. i don't know why God is putting him through this, but i know He has a plan, and i pray that the plan leads to good in bubs' life. People don't seem to realize how bad things are for him. our middle sister says he's not truly depressed, and expects him to jump out of it. she thinks i'm enabling him. i live with him though, i see the sadness. Last night he asked if i'd be upset if he shot himself. i don't think he was entirely serious, but it's still a scary question. At any rate, when mom didn't come with us, bubs agreed to stay home with her. i felt so badly that he was missing his party, and that these people had traveled so far because i needed to be with mom, only to discover that i could leave her at home after all. They had the good grace not to appear upset.
r. doesn't seem to get my life situation. he kept asking me why i didn't just spend the night with them, why i didn't go back to philadelphia with them, ribbing me about never coming and visiting. Perhaps i worry too much, perhaps my worries are unfounded, perhaps (i wonder this sometimes) my family would do better without me sometimes if i didn't put so much effort into holding things together. This morning, however, mick and mom had a screaming match over the toilet. They can be so cruel to each other. She can't help her behavior sometimes, and he really can't deal with it right now. Things escalate until he's hitting walls, and she's threatening to call the cops, and maybe hitting him. So am i really overworrying things, and i making things worse by being the mediator instead of forcing them to deal with each other, or am i holding together a situation which, without me, may be quite bad. i told xh. that maybe after mickey calmed down, i would go down there again. Then again, Lord willing, he'll be in an apartment by then. So we both agreed that i probably wouldn't. It's like having to care for a child, except not, because you can force a child to come visiting with you.
The visit itself was great. we fenced with balloon swords, saw a madrigal choir, saw the movie avatar, watched a juggler, walked snowy streets with mom, built a giant snowman. i only freaked out a few times, once afraid to drive home from the movies, which i again felt very guilty about. it was good though. and i considered, on the drive home (having made bubs come get me, a blessing due to the snowy roads actually, so thank God for freak outs), how this way there was no jump into cold water. In the past, when i left for carefree weekends at friends' houses, walking home was a bit of a shock. Don't get me wrong, i love my life, but to go from being a young relatively carefree thirty year old jaunting with friends, back to being a young, relatively carefree thirty year old with a mother, a household, two jobs, a brother, two cats, and a dog for whom she feels at least partially responsible, is a bit like diving into the deep section of a pool on a warm day after an hour's sunbathing. Sure, the warmth of the sun was worth it. The swimming will be worth it too, once the shock wears off. That shock, however, is mildly distressing. This way i never left my life, though i got to dance in the sun, i kept one toe in the water while floating on my raft. The shock, then wasn't so extreme, if it was even there.
Speaking of responsabilities, they are calling now. Though i've been up since nine, i have yet to give mom or buddy their morning medicine. Today i ought to clean, do laundry (start the stove so it dries), get mom's medicine and mine (probably get breakfast while we're in hallstead), and try to do stuff with bubs to help him shake his lethargy. Tonight i have my cousin's wedding. Lord willing i'll get there with no problems, and get mom there as well. Getting both of us ready can be a bit of a chore sometimes, and i always pray that me and driving will go well together.
i hope, Lord willing, to maybe stop by the Christian bookstore on the way to the wedding. i have $10 from my aunt, and i want to buy a Christian historical or military fiction with it. bubs once commented on my reading. i told him we each had our maladaptive coping mechanisms.- he his alcohol, and me my escapist fiction. i pride myself on mine being less destructive, though i still pray God will pardon something i perhaps spend too much time, money, and energy on.
okay, mom's getting pleasantly impatient (asking me questions ever minute or so, as opposed to swearing and crying and fidgeting). i'd best go. remind me to tell you my most recent thoughts on love later, however.
mom refused to come with us. i was so embarassed, and felt so guilty. bubs has been caught, again, in a quagmire of depression. This is one of the deeper bouts- he lay in bed yesterday, too despondent to get up, and told me with sincere pain in his voice that nothing would help. i know what would help- God can, but he claims he's tried and God isn't answering. i don't know why God is putting him through this, but i know He has a plan, and i pray that the plan leads to good in bubs' life. People don't seem to realize how bad things are for him. our middle sister says he's not truly depressed, and expects him to jump out of it. she thinks i'm enabling him. i live with him though, i see the sadness. Last night he asked if i'd be upset if he shot himself. i don't think he was entirely serious, but it's still a scary question. At any rate, when mom didn't come with us, bubs agreed to stay home with her. i felt so badly that he was missing his party, and that these people had traveled so far because i needed to be with mom, only to discover that i could leave her at home after all. They had the good grace not to appear upset.
r. doesn't seem to get my life situation. he kept asking me why i didn't just spend the night with them, why i didn't go back to philadelphia with them, ribbing me about never coming and visiting. Perhaps i worry too much, perhaps my worries are unfounded, perhaps (i wonder this sometimes) my family would do better without me sometimes if i didn't put so much effort into holding things together. This morning, however, mick and mom had a screaming match over the toilet. They can be so cruel to each other. She can't help her behavior sometimes, and he really can't deal with it right now. Things escalate until he's hitting walls, and she's threatening to call the cops, and maybe hitting him. So am i really overworrying things, and i making things worse by being the mediator instead of forcing them to deal with each other, or am i holding together a situation which, without me, may be quite bad. i told xh. that maybe after mickey calmed down, i would go down there again. Then again, Lord willing, he'll be in an apartment by then. So we both agreed that i probably wouldn't. It's like having to care for a child, except not, because you can force a child to come visiting with you.
The visit itself was great. we fenced with balloon swords, saw a madrigal choir, saw the movie avatar, watched a juggler, walked snowy streets with mom, built a giant snowman. i only freaked out a few times, once afraid to drive home from the movies, which i again felt very guilty about. it was good though. and i considered, on the drive home (having made bubs come get me, a blessing due to the snowy roads actually, so thank God for freak outs), how this way there was no jump into cold water. In the past, when i left for carefree weekends at friends' houses, walking home was a bit of a shock. Don't get me wrong, i love my life, but to go from being a young relatively carefree thirty year old jaunting with friends, back to being a young, relatively carefree thirty year old with a mother, a household, two jobs, a brother, two cats, and a dog for whom she feels at least partially responsible, is a bit like diving into the deep section of a pool on a warm day after an hour's sunbathing. Sure, the warmth of the sun was worth it. The swimming will be worth it too, once the shock wears off. That shock, however, is mildly distressing. This way i never left my life, though i got to dance in the sun, i kept one toe in the water while floating on my raft. The shock, then wasn't so extreme, if it was even there.
Speaking of responsabilities, they are calling now. Though i've been up since nine, i have yet to give mom or buddy their morning medicine. Today i ought to clean, do laundry (start the stove so it dries), get mom's medicine and mine (probably get breakfast while we're in hallstead), and try to do stuff with bubs to help him shake his lethargy. Tonight i have my cousin's wedding. Lord willing i'll get there with no problems, and get mom there as well. Getting both of us ready can be a bit of a chore sometimes, and i always pray that me and driving will go well together.
i hope, Lord willing, to maybe stop by the Christian bookstore on the way to the wedding. i have $10 from my aunt, and i want to buy a Christian historical or military fiction with it. bubs once commented on my reading. i told him we each had our maladaptive coping mechanisms.- he his alcohol, and me my escapist fiction. i pride myself on mine being less destructive, though i still pray God will pardon something i perhaps spend too much time, money, and energy on.
okay, mom's getting pleasantly impatient (asking me questions ever minute or so, as opposed to swearing and crying and fidgeting). i'd best go. remind me to tell you my most recent thoughts on love later, however.
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