God has been really good to me lately. A few days this week, i have really wondered if i could make it, through the day, through the hour, through the minutes. i prayed to God though, and He helped me through. He made it possible. i don't have to make it through, God can for me. That, to put it simply, is amazing, and wonderful.
Thank God!!!!!!!!! Praise God!!!!!!!!! God is wonderful!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
help the aged, cause one day we'll be lonely too.
i just wanted to briefly try to explain part of why i so do not want to put mom in a home. i don't know if anyone not undergoing this, or who hasn't, could understand the value of the sweet moments. There are times, sweet moments, when we are together, when she is so happy. She has thanked me before for staying with her, while walking the dog. We walk together in the mornings sometimes, when the heat has not yet risen, just the three of us, chatting and joking. In those moments we are normal, and we are happy. She doesn't have dementia, she isn't slowly losing herself. She is a woman walking with her daughter. Am i to rob her of this normalcy, of these moments?
Some of my favorite moments occur when she is asleep. Often on the way home from the doctor, a grand affair. It takes so much stress and work to get her ready to go to the doctor, but once we have left the time turns into a blessing, and i thank God for these days. She loves the rural 45 minute drive to her doctor's office, and often, while driving home, she dozes off. At these times i love her so much. The scene is so peaceful, and, like a child, she is so trusting and innocent. We have had a good day, maybe shopped, almost certainly gone for ice cream. She has pointed out the houses on the way to and from, convinced that not only does she know who lives there, but i do too. Then she falls asleep, at rest, at peace, not the somewhat difficult to attain and medically induces sleep which often occurs at night, but the quiet inadvertant slumber of the relaxed.
We are a team, mom and i. Maybe i'm not the best caretaker. Maybe we do not do things well, or right, but we are a team. If the Lord wills, i'd really like to try and keep this team together.
Some of my favorite moments occur when she is asleep. Often on the way home from the doctor, a grand affair. It takes so much stress and work to get her ready to go to the doctor, but once we have left the time turns into a blessing, and i thank God for these days. She loves the rural 45 minute drive to her doctor's office, and often, while driving home, she dozes off. At these times i love her so much. The scene is so peaceful, and, like a child, she is so trusting and innocent. We have had a good day, maybe shopped, almost certainly gone for ice cream. She has pointed out the houses on the way to and from, convinced that not only does she know who lives there, but i do too. Then she falls asleep, at rest, at peace, not the somewhat difficult to attain and medically induces sleep which often occurs at night, but the quiet inadvertant slumber of the relaxed.
We are a team, mom and i. Maybe i'm not the best caretaker. Maybe we do not do things well, or right, but we are a team. If the Lord wills, i'd really like to try and keep this team together.
help the aged, don't just put them in a home.
Got a message from the area agency on the aging tonight. Their office has received concerns from community members regarding mom. They want to be contacted as soon as possible. As this is the second time (she was here about a year ago, but left when she realized mom did not live alone and was cared for) "action" may result. i'm not sure what this means, my mind is running amok with the allegations of borderline elder abuse, the potential to be accused, to be required to make repairs to the house we can't afford, to have them declare mom incompetent and force her into a home against her will. Probably none of this will happen, but we'll probably get a list of mandatory changes to make (likely expensive) and be under observation for a while. i'm kind of numbly upset right now; i cried and got angry earlier. i told a friend this week, trying to explain why it upset me, that it was like being told that you were abusing your children, or that someone was accusing you of doing so. i'm going to go give her her medicine, probably skip dinner, and self-medicate with a good book.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
in walks her prince charming, and he knows just what to say
The frustration is back, but it's currently couched in a shy sort of despondent malaise. Earlier, i was worked up. i was angry. i was irritated. i had energy. Now i'm lethargic, forcing myself to write this because i let the experience pass too often, but not really wanting to.
So what worked me up this time????? Last night, for starters, the porch banged again. This has been occurring off and on for maybe a year, loud noises in the night that we always attributed to an animal. Last night it was definitely human, as i heard the footsteps flee. It was maybe 1:30 am. i thank God (for all!!!!!!!!!) but in particular in this case for the boyfriend.
In some ways the boyfriend is my best, non-Divine friend. Don't get me wrong, i love my human best friends, and they do much which the boyfriend cannot. The undertaker (a profession, not a cute nickname), the high school best friend (so close because she's always there), the handful of college chums i still speak with on a regular basis, and the handful of close friends i've picked up since then. None of these, however, get up with me in the middle of the night, serving as the backbone for my false bravado "sic -em", walking next to me as i peer into the dark and daunting unknown. None of them stare out the window for several minutes after i go back to bed, growling low. None of them come and lie next to be, between me and the door, for a long time after that.
This morning, i discovered what appeared to be a footprint on our door. Some punk kid, probably, kicking it to frighten me. He or she succeeded. It is strange to walk toward the door, knowing that, without a man in the house, you are responsible not for your protection (that is God's domain) but for investigating the noise, because it is only you and a dependent in the home.
That is not why i am frustrated now though.
Tonight, the cousin who yelled at us comes and asks my brother to go for a walk. He speaks to me civilly enough as well. i interpose myself into their conversation, after, in good faith, attacking the garbag stack he was screaming about.
That's when the two of them gang up on me. Again. Same old story. "you are ruining your life." (it's my life, remember.) "you are endangering your mom." "you can't care for her." "It will become too much." "What will you do with the house. How will you manage." "Think about it, seriously." Now i may be giving my cousin too little credit, but he's sitting there saying all this, and i'm thinking, "you just want us gone. you don't want mom next to you, and you're couching your annoyance in a facade of care and concern." Later on he lectured me on how i needed a stress break, or i would break. That would be nice, except he then went into how that's why they have three shifts in a home.
i go back, and trudge through the garbage, while bubs stays and chats with the cousins. i was supposed to go hang with the undertaker after, but backed out. Bubs was apparently not going to come home and stay with mom while i was gone, like he said he would. And, to be honest, i did not want to give them ammo: see, you won't be able to go out like this if you care for her alone when he leaves.
God, though, is always there. i was reading Isaiah last night after my scare, and there the assurance was. God is there and in control. i thought of it tonight in the shower as well. Lord, please help me to remember and lean on it. It, and the calm God gave me, allowed me to go to sleep last night, and to calm down in the shower tonight, when all of this was weighing me down, and i was washing off the disgust of mushy refuse. God loves me, and He is there. Thank and Praise Him!!!!!!!!!
So what worked me up this time????? Last night, for starters, the porch banged again. This has been occurring off and on for maybe a year, loud noises in the night that we always attributed to an animal. Last night it was definitely human, as i heard the footsteps flee. It was maybe 1:30 am. i thank God (for all!!!!!!!!!) but in particular in this case for the boyfriend.
In some ways the boyfriend is my best, non-Divine friend. Don't get me wrong, i love my human best friends, and they do much which the boyfriend cannot. The undertaker (a profession, not a cute nickname), the high school best friend (so close because she's always there), the handful of college chums i still speak with on a regular basis, and the handful of close friends i've picked up since then. None of these, however, get up with me in the middle of the night, serving as the backbone for my false bravado "sic -em", walking next to me as i peer into the dark and daunting unknown. None of them stare out the window for several minutes after i go back to bed, growling low. None of them come and lie next to be, between me and the door, for a long time after that.
This morning, i discovered what appeared to be a footprint on our door. Some punk kid, probably, kicking it to frighten me. He or she succeeded. It is strange to walk toward the door, knowing that, without a man in the house, you are responsible not for your protection (that is God's domain) but for investigating the noise, because it is only you and a dependent in the home.
That is not why i am frustrated now though.
Tonight, the cousin who yelled at us comes and asks my brother to go for a walk. He speaks to me civilly enough as well. i interpose myself into their conversation, after, in good faith, attacking the garbag stack he was screaming about.
That's when the two of them gang up on me. Again. Same old story. "you are ruining your life." (it's my life, remember.) "you are endangering your mom." "you can't care for her." "It will become too much." "What will you do with the house. How will you manage." "Think about it, seriously." Now i may be giving my cousin too little credit, but he's sitting there saying all this, and i'm thinking, "you just want us gone. you don't want mom next to you, and you're couching your annoyance in a facade of care and concern." Later on he lectured me on how i needed a stress break, or i would break. That would be nice, except he then went into how that's why they have three shifts in a home.
i go back, and trudge through the garbage, while bubs stays and chats with the cousins. i was supposed to go hang with the undertaker after, but backed out. Bubs was apparently not going to come home and stay with mom while i was gone, like he said he would. And, to be honest, i did not want to give them ammo: see, you won't be able to go out like this if you care for her alone when he leaves.
God, though, is always there. i was reading Isaiah last night after my scare, and there the assurance was. God is there and in control. i thought of it tonight in the shower as well. Lord, please help me to remember and lean on it. It, and the calm God gave me, allowed me to go to sleep last night, and to calm down in the shower tonight, when all of this was weighing me down, and i was washing off the disgust of mushy refuse. God loves me, and He is there. Thank and Praise Him!!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 5, 2009
i had a bad day again.........
i know, in the grand scheme of things, my bad days are not so bad. i thank God for this. Sometimes, though, a girl just wants to vent, and cry. So i pray the Lord, and i ask you all, to forgive me for my whining, when in the end life is good. Thank Him for all!!!!! It's just good to sometimes get it all out.
In the end, i've been a very bad caregiver. i left mom alone tonight. Not for very long, i was only gone for a few hours. From roughly six to nine-thirty. Three and a half hours.
i know, though, and i learned tonight again, that i cannot do that anymore. i've been so good about not going out on Friday nights, when bubs is not home. i hadn't seen a. in so long though, and thought at first that she said this was the only night she was free. i was less than six miles from home. i took her meds with me. i hid the liquid plumber. It had been a bad day. i didn't feel well. My articles took longer to write than normal. My police report was eaten, and i had to drive back to the station to redo it. i didn't really eat until four in the afternoon. i deserved a night off.
i deserved nothing.
i deserve nothing.
thank God He's merciful.
So my friend's mom calls partway through the movie. Mom's in a panic, and walked to their house to ask them to please call me. She just didn't know where i was.
i came home, and heard her walking down the street yelling to a guy. She comes home and tells me that he stopped to talk to me, and she had him in. Then she walked him home. He needed consolation because his mom died. She has no idea who it was.
Now i doubt he was actually in the house. Our loyal guard dog would have likely eaten him had he attempted it, and i would have seen a blood trail on my way in. Still, the thought of what could have happened leaves me wracked with guilt.
Then, i call my neighbor/cousin's name to ask if he saw mom walking with a guy, and who it was. He freaks out on me, and on mom. He calls me a two faced liar. He tells me to stop acting so persecuted. He threatens to turn us in to the health department (again). He tells us to have no interaction with them. He says we always take and never give. He calls mom a senile little witch. He dares her to open her mouth, and see what happens. He says we won't have a house by the time he's done. (As if the government taking it should she ever need care we can't pay for, or our seeming lack of ability to catch up on taxes year to year wouldn't suffice just as well for that purpose.)
Mom, of course, does not deal with that well. At least i think she's forgotten about it now.
The worst part of this all is my self-loathing. What kind of selfish witch goes to see a friend, essentially leaving a child alone. She is not a child, and i will vehemently argue that point, but i keep remembering the repeatedly heard question: Would you leave a four year old alone at home???? Even if she isn't a child, she can easily get in trouble like one. See the fractured ribs.
Bubs' depression seems to be spiraling back to the bad side as well. i was thinking it through tonight, and realized that i do not think he would wilfully commit suicide, but i would not be too surprised if i learned he was in the hospital because he was driving like an idiot and had an accident.
People just don't realize that things are not as simple anymore. Am i good person????? Unequivocably no. i scrape by on God's mercy alone. It's not as easy though as "get rid of the garbage" though. Yesterday i spent a few hours digging through old garbage backs, various forms of animal feces, etc., to clean the porch. Mom puts things in garbage bags, so each one must be sorted by hand. In the past i have dug from "garbage" bags my albania souvenirs, and a paycheck. Yesterday all i found was a bag of bras i didn't want anyway. While i'm doing this she yells at me, from time to time, in populous daylight, that she wanted that garbage to burn next winter. She would reuse that. Why would i throw it out. i treat her so badly. Etc.
Elizabeth Cohen wrote of how she embraced her victimization. i hope i don't do that. i want to be strong. i want to be capable. however, i would kind of like people to realize too that while they may blink an eye and get things done, life is not always that simple.
In the end, i've been a very bad caregiver. i left mom alone tonight. Not for very long, i was only gone for a few hours. From roughly six to nine-thirty. Three and a half hours.
i know, though, and i learned tonight again, that i cannot do that anymore. i've been so good about not going out on Friday nights, when bubs is not home. i hadn't seen a. in so long though, and thought at first that she said this was the only night she was free. i was less than six miles from home. i took her meds with me. i hid the liquid plumber. It had been a bad day. i didn't feel well. My articles took longer to write than normal. My police report was eaten, and i had to drive back to the station to redo it. i didn't really eat until four in the afternoon. i deserved a night off.
i deserved nothing.
i deserve nothing.
thank God He's merciful.
So my friend's mom calls partway through the movie. Mom's in a panic, and walked to their house to ask them to please call me. She just didn't know where i was.
i came home, and heard her walking down the street yelling to a guy. She comes home and tells me that he stopped to talk to me, and she had him in. Then she walked him home. He needed consolation because his mom died. She has no idea who it was.
Now i doubt he was actually in the house. Our loyal guard dog would have likely eaten him had he attempted it, and i would have seen a blood trail on my way in. Still, the thought of what could have happened leaves me wracked with guilt.
Then, i call my neighbor/cousin's name to ask if he saw mom walking with a guy, and who it was. He freaks out on me, and on mom. He calls me a two faced liar. He tells me to stop acting so persecuted. He threatens to turn us in to the health department (again). He tells us to have no interaction with them. He says we always take and never give. He calls mom a senile little witch. He dares her to open her mouth, and see what happens. He says we won't have a house by the time he's done. (As if the government taking it should she ever need care we can't pay for, or our seeming lack of ability to catch up on taxes year to year wouldn't suffice just as well for that purpose.)
Mom, of course, does not deal with that well. At least i think she's forgotten about it now.
The worst part of this all is my self-loathing. What kind of selfish witch goes to see a friend, essentially leaving a child alone. She is not a child, and i will vehemently argue that point, but i keep remembering the repeatedly heard question: Would you leave a four year old alone at home???? Even if she isn't a child, she can easily get in trouble like one. See the fractured ribs.
Bubs' depression seems to be spiraling back to the bad side as well. i was thinking it through tonight, and realized that i do not think he would wilfully commit suicide, but i would not be too surprised if i learned he was in the hospital because he was driving like an idiot and had an accident.
People just don't realize that things are not as simple anymore. Am i good person????? Unequivocably no. i scrape by on God's mercy alone. It's not as easy though as "get rid of the garbage" though. Yesterday i spent a few hours digging through old garbage backs, various forms of animal feces, etc., to clean the porch. Mom puts things in garbage bags, so each one must be sorted by hand. In the past i have dug from "garbage" bags my albania souvenirs, and a paycheck. Yesterday all i found was a bag of bras i didn't want anyway. While i'm doing this she yells at me, from time to time, in populous daylight, that she wanted that garbage to burn next winter. She would reuse that. Why would i throw it out. i treat her so badly. Etc.
Elizabeth Cohen wrote of how she embraced her victimization. i hope i don't do that. i want to be strong. i want to be capable. however, i would kind of like people to realize too that while they may blink an eye and get things done, life is not always that simple.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
traumatic injury
Mom has fractured rib from a "traumatic injury". In layman's terms, since we all know none of us are beating her, she has been falling. The techs who did her bone scan said they appeared to be relatively recent. Good news: No evidence of cancer. Bad news: She's falling enough to be fracturing things. News to think about: This does not help the rumors of borderline elder abuse that have been swirling.
A note on that. It pissed me off. My brother started abruptly pushing harder to put mom in a home. i, at first, attributed it to his recent clinical depression (My diagnosis, via the help of the dsm IV TR: Major depressive Disorder Single Occurrence Without Psychotic Symptoms, coming out of Cyclical Dysthemia, but that's just my thoughts) and sudden desire to run away from here. No, that's not it. i later overhear a mutual friend stating, "how did she take the suggestion that you put your mom in a home?????" Okay. Anger here. So i confronted my brother.
Apparently people had been talking to her a**hole lawyer boyfriend, complaining about my mom wandering around, looking wild eyed, entering stores, etc. So, my guess from here, is that mr. lawyer who has nothing to do with my family (except that we don't like him because he treats her daughter like crap) , was embarassed, and complained to our friend "C". She in turn, talked to bubs. She called it borderline elder abuse. Grrrrr. i do not like the implication that i am abusing the most important human in my life.
The next day i got jumped by my family (more politely, and to my face at least this time). They agree that mom should be in a home.
Now what i've gotten from this is that we need to do something for mom. She shouldn't be alone. i'm loathe to go via the home, though. i think she would hate it. So here are the options i'm playing with:
1.) Move to the next county over where the services are a bit better. This way there's a chance i could get her into the very comprehensive day treatment program, that requires she live in that county. Downsides: Moving, and having the government pay, which means that they can then take her house and all her assetts.
2.) Private pay (less comprehensive) day treatment center in Scranton. Upsides: Don't have to move, we pay so they don't take her assetts. Downsides: Costs $55/day, $275/wk., or over $11,000 per year. Currently, i make a little over $12,000, to put that into perspective, though i hope to soon have a better job. There's still a good chance that, if i'm fortunate, that's roughly a third of my yearly earnings.
3.) In home care. Upsides: don't have to move, don't have to take mom to scranton every day. Downsides: Can be paid for by waiver program, but not highly therapeutic, can hire whoever we want, but again, government can take her assetts since they're paying.
i just had a sudden thought. Soon, we are going to lose our house to Sheriff's sale. Now, i'm going to try to pay this off, or that was the plan, by taking money from my inheritance. It just occurred to me, however, that maybe if we lost the house to sheriff's sale, and then we were the people who bought it (no one else is going to want it) :OD, then maybe it wouldn't be her selling it. See, if she sold it we have to wait five years, or they can still take it. If she loses it, then maybe that's not the same.
Then the lady who works for the area agency on the aging tells me that she may not be able to sell the house anyway, because they might claim she's not lucid, so she couldn't have sold it, and take it anyway.
Why does everyone want our house????? It needs new piping, a new roof, siding, re-wiring, etc.
Okay, i need to go clean the porch, because the freakin' code enforcement officer is on our back.
Also, mom cannot wait ten minutes. She's doing it herself, unable to wait unitl i finish this post, fractured ribs and all.
A note on that. It pissed me off. My brother started abruptly pushing harder to put mom in a home. i, at first, attributed it to his recent clinical depression (My diagnosis, via the help of the dsm IV TR: Major depressive Disorder Single Occurrence Without Psychotic Symptoms, coming out of Cyclical Dysthemia, but that's just my thoughts) and sudden desire to run away from here. No, that's not it. i later overhear a mutual friend stating, "how did she take the suggestion that you put your mom in a home?????" Okay. Anger here. So i confronted my brother.
Apparently people had been talking to her a**hole lawyer boyfriend, complaining about my mom wandering around, looking wild eyed, entering stores, etc. So, my guess from here, is that mr. lawyer who has nothing to do with my family (except that we don't like him because he treats her daughter like crap) , was embarassed, and complained to our friend "C". She in turn, talked to bubs. She called it borderline elder abuse. Grrrrr. i do not like the implication that i am abusing the most important human in my life.
The next day i got jumped by my family (more politely, and to my face at least this time). They agree that mom should be in a home.
Now what i've gotten from this is that we need to do something for mom. She shouldn't be alone. i'm loathe to go via the home, though. i think she would hate it. So here are the options i'm playing with:
1.) Move to the next county over where the services are a bit better. This way there's a chance i could get her into the very comprehensive day treatment program, that requires she live in that county. Downsides: Moving, and having the government pay, which means that they can then take her house and all her assetts.
2.) Private pay (less comprehensive) day treatment center in Scranton. Upsides: Don't have to move, we pay so they don't take her assetts. Downsides: Costs $55/day, $275/wk., or over $11,000 per year. Currently, i make a little over $12,000, to put that into perspective, though i hope to soon have a better job. There's still a good chance that, if i'm fortunate, that's roughly a third of my yearly earnings.
3.) In home care. Upsides: don't have to move, don't have to take mom to scranton every day. Downsides: Can be paid for by waiver program, but not highly therapeutic, can hire whoever we want, but again, government can take her assetts since they're paying.
i just had a sudden thought. Soon, we are going to lose our house to Sheriff's sale. Now, i'm going to try to pay this off, or that was the plan, by taking money from my inheritance. It just occurred to me, however, that maybe if we lost the house to sheriff's sale, and then we were the people who bought it (no one else is going to want it) :OD, then maybe it wouldn't be her selling it. See, if she sold it we have to wait five years, or they can still take it. If she loses it, then maybe that's not the same.
Then the lady who works for the area agency on the aging tells me that she may not be able to sell the house anyway, because they might claim she's not lucid, so she couldn't have sold it, and take it anyway.
Why does everyone want our house????? It needs new piping, a new roof, siding, re-wiring, etc.
Okay, i need to go clean the porch, because the freakin' code enforcement officer is on our back.
Also, mom cannot wait ten minutes. She's doing it herself, unable to wait unitl i finish this post, fractured ribs and all.
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