The frustration is back, but it's currently couched in a shy sort of despondent malaise. Earlier, i was worked up. i was angry. i was irritated. i had energy. Now i'm lethargic, forcing myself to write this because i let the experience pass too often, but not really wanting to.
So what worked me up this time????? Last night, for starters, the porch banged again. This has been occurring off and on for maybe a year, loud noises in the night that we always attributed to an animal. Last night it was definitely human, as i heard the footsteps flee. It was maybe 1:30 am. i thank God (for all!!!!!!!!!) but in particular in this case for the boyfriend.
In some ways the boyfriend is my best, non-Divine friend. Don't get me wrong, i love my human best friends, and they do much which the boyfriend cannot. The undertaker (a profession, not a cute nickname), the high school best friend (so close because she's always there), the handful of college chums i still speak with on a regular basis, and the handful of close friends i've picked up since then. None of these, however, get up with me in the middle of the night, serving as the backbone for my false bravado "sic -em", walking next to me as i peer into the dark and daunting unknown. None of them stare out the window for several minutes after i go back to bed, growling low. None of them come and lie next to be, between me and the door, for a long time after that.
This morning, i discovered what appeared to be a footprint on our door. Some punk kid, probably, kicking it to frighten me. He or she succeeded. It is strange to walk toward the door, knowing that, without a man in the house, you are responsible not for your protection (that is God's domain) but for investigating the noise, because it is only you and a dependent in the home.
That is not why i am frustrated now though.
Tonight, the cousin who yelled at us comes and asks my brother to go for a walk. He speaks to me civilly enough as well. i interpose myself into their conversation, after, in good faith, attacking the garbag stack he was screaming about.
That's when the two of them gang up on me. Again. Same old story. "you are ruining your life." (it's my life, remember.) "you are endangering your mom." "you can't care for her." "It will become too much." "What will you do with the house. How will you manage." "Think about it, seriously." Now i may be giving my cousin too little credit, but he's sitting there saying all this, and i'm thinking, "you just want us gone. you don't want mom next to you, and you're couching your annoyance in a facade of care and concern." Later on he lectured me on how i needed a stress break, or i would break. That would be nice, except he then went into how that's why they have three shifts in a home.
i go back, and trudge through the garbage, while bubs stays and chats with the cousins. i was supposed to go hang with the undertaker after, but backed out. Bubs was apparently not going to come home and stay with mom while i was gone, like he said he would. And, to be honest, i did not want to give them ammo: see, you won't be able to go out like this if you care for her alone when he leaves.
God, though, is always there. i was reading Isaiah last night after my scare, and there the assurance was. God is there and in control. i thought of it tonight in the shower as well. Lord, please help me to remember and lean on it. It, and the calm God gave me, allowed me to go to sleep last night, and to calm down in the shower tonight, when all of this was weighing me down, and i was washing off the disgust of mushy refuse. God loves me, and He is there. Thank and Praise Him!!!!!!!!!
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