i am so frustrated right now. Do you know that almost palpable frustration, the one you can feel in your chest, and practically taste, the one which gets into your brain and persists in intruding again and again amidst your more rational thoughts????? That is the frustration i am talking about. i am so frustrated. Those who have never tried raising a stubborn, sentient adult may not understand the reason for my frustration. Its the frustration you feel in knowing that someone is frustrating you, endangering themselves, and generally muddling life up- and it is truly not their fault. You know you shouldn't really be angry at them, you know you cannot win the argument anyway. It is a frustration i should be used to, after years with my mentally ill sister. To her mind, reality is as she sees it. There is no point in telling her life did not happen that way- it will not change the fact that in her mind it honestly did. That is how mom has become. In her mind she honestly deposited my paycheck, necessary for me to pay my delinquent bills, in the bank. She honestly took it to protect it, she honestly told me where she put it, i honestly asked her to do so. In her mind she honestly did not already take tylenol, and my withholding more from her is cruel. It sent her the other day into a drug seeking frenzy, yelling at the top of her lungs.
My life is not my own anymore. Truthfully, i know, it never should have been. It should always have been God's. Still, in my stronger moments i can sit back and say, "i can do this. i am in control." In my weaker moments i wonder how i ever will, and how it is that i am so bad at this game. Why did i leave my purse in the car, with the tylenol in it? Neither one of us knows how much she took. Do i dare let her take her tylenol pm tonight, or am i endangering her health doing so? Do i have the strength to deal with another drug seeking frenzy? Can i lie to her, as i eventually did the other night successfully, and convince her that her fiber pill is an herbal sleeping supplement? Is it even remotely moral to do so?
It takes a long time to get ready now. We are often late. She, like a child, waits until the last few minutes to get ready. Right before i have to leave for work, she has to go to the bathroom. Getting ready must be started at least a half an hour before we have to leave, and reminders must be given frequently.
She does not shower. It's been at least a week. The house is so cold i can't really blame her, i watch her react to a shower, and the idea of getting out of it into the cold, with such frantic displeasure, almost pain, that i feel cruel enforcing it. Between this, the shower's near perpetual broken state, and my working, etc., it just goes by. i almost look forward to dr.'s appointments as an excuse to enforce a shower.
i forget to force her to brush her teeth. i wash her clothes, but then forget to give them to her, and watch her wear the same dirty pants for days straight. i am a bad caretaker. If i can take her places, keep her busy, and monitor her medicine at night, i feel successful. This is not success. This is getting by, and not very well.
My house is a pigsty. She does not believe that the bathroom toilet flushes (in her defense it has not for years, until recently) so she throws the toilet paper in a bucket. i look at it, and think how i must take care of it........ later. i'm not sure why i am cataloging for you my sins, except that i just want to vent my frustration. God has been amazing to me of late, thank and praise Him!!!!!!!!! Still, even with free time, i have not cleaned the house, have not tackled it, have not found a way to pay the garbage service so we have it again, have not burned the used toilet paper, have not disinfected the dishes from the sewage leak this winter, have not sorted the piles of mail and paper. It seems so overwhelming, i tell myself, i am busy, i tell myself, it is difficult with mom so insistant on distracting me, i tell myself. It is hard to scrub the bathtub when it keeps plugging up. It is hard to clean when there is nowhere to put the garbage. Still, i could do it. i could not go out as much as i do. i could stop being selfish, and finally accept that i am a mother, so to speak, and a housewife. Lord please forgive me for my errors, and please continue to help me, have mercy and don't punish me.
It is not all bad. There are moments of happiness, moments of quiet wonder. Mom, on a walk the other day, actually told me that she was glad she had me, because i was the one who stayed with her and did things. There is the moment when she fall asleep peacefully while driving home from tunkhannock. There are times watching an old tv show, where she just hangs out with me. There is sitting here now, in the library, listening to her joke and talk happily with her widower friend. There is life, and beauty, and God's gifts. May He help me to focus on these. Please, just help me in general, Lord. Thank You and praise You.
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