It is much too late. It's 3:20 pm, and i've been reading for quite a while. The tears run down my face, and salt streaks have frozen and made it feel sticky. This is the sign of a good book. It is not the sign of a productive day, one i meant to spend cleaning, and calling to get out the money we need, and doing chores. i find myself not really feeling guilty, however.
i just finished "still alice" by lisa genova. i'd recommend this book to anyone, but it has special meaning for those of us touched by alzheimers, and those of us who know that there is a very real chance we may someday have it.
The book made me really consider this latter possibility, but it was in my mind from the House on Beartown Road as well. Like Ms. Cohen, i sometimes catch myself testing my memory, searching for break and blips which should cause concern. When you spend your time with the memory impaired, sometimes you almost become brought into their world. At times i need to stop and think of what day it is when mom asks. This is partially a result of not working, and partially, i think, the result of spending my time in her flux, an area where the day matters only in an inconsequential way, and what is now is what is vital.
Alzheimers is genetic. My grandpa had it, my mom has it (or some form of progressive dementia), and "alice" cites genetic markers that are associated with at least the early onset type. Children have a 50% chance of inheriting these markers, and people with them will get the disease. Part of me is frightened by this, but part of me is not. i may not live until my older years, though Lord willing i will. The job, at any age, is to live life the best you can, such that you would not have any regrets, and you try to please God.
The book also talks about people who are very intelligent being more likely to contract it, as if they use so much earlier in life that their brains are simply tired later. At times, this almost makes me scared, almost makes me, in irrational spurts, think it would be better to be less smart. This isn't something i truly feel or hope, however, merely something my mind formulates as a jerking smasmodic terror reaction and i pray that Lord willing this would not happen that my abilities and capabilities remain and i thank God for them.
Basically, i'm just being honest in this post. Sorry for the rambling nature. Sorry for the irrational nature. If i'm doing this, however, as an honest glimpse into what my life is like now, it is important that i write such tings down even if they are nonsensical. May nothing, Lord willing, bad come of them. Thank Him for everything!!!!! Perhaps the best thing i received from this book, the most worthwhile, is contemplation on keeping mom where she is. In the book alice, the main character, wants to remain in cambridge. When she is taken elsewhere, even to her vacation home in one scene, she is agitated, and wants to return. i struggle so with the decision to either take mom somewhere where she can get better care, or leave her here in familiar surroundings. She does not want to go, however, she has told me so. A few years ago, when the flood was threatening our home, and others were evacuating, she refused to leave. This is her home. How can i presume that i know best, and take her from what she knows????? Another great lesson from the book is when alice is talking of her own experiences as someone with the disease. She asks those present to look her in the eye and remember that she still can make decisions, that she is still herself. She also points out that the past is foggy, and the future uncertain, but she can live in the present. Let's all make the present as pleasant as possible, whether it will be remembered or not, okay?????
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