it took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don't love me.....

"Just let me be bitter for a minute without a smart reply." That's basically what i said to bubs a minute ago, and he tried to hand me a beer. For him, that's tantamount to loving support, and were it not Sunday i would probably have taken it. i have problems drinking on Sunday however. i planned on starting this entry by writing that, "i'm trying not to be bitter". i guess, however, that i'm not actually trying very hard. i'm kind of rolling in it, like a pig seeking the cooling effect of sludge. So i'll post here, get it out, and perhaps then try not to be bitter.


i think, with a friend's help, i've nailed down at least part of why people think i'm a lesbian. This happens in cycles, the rumors start spreading, and the comments are made. It was recently suggested that it might have something to do with my not being very open, with the average person, about my attraction to or feelings towards men. This, i think, can also be carried out to the relationships, or what passes for relationships in my messed up love life, that i do have.

e., for instance. i don't know if the average person realizes how involved i actually was. Probably e. never did. Now in the end the end was my fault. Though i would say that he finally severed the ties, and in a manner which hurt more than most people likely knew, he did so because i wouldn't commit to beginning a relationship i was unsure was right, or would work out. Thus we did the dance for five years or so. he retreated, stopped calling as much, stopped communicating, and seemed uninterested in getting together. The retreat seemed abrupt to me, and some of his reticence seemed to come at times when i felt i needed someone. (This also is probably at least partially my fault, as i also don't communicate need as clearly as others perhaps.) Thus for him to go from "i'll always be there for you" to "i never want to spend time with you" hurt. In the end i think he was protecting himself. Having finally given up on us, he distanced himself. It's just he never came out and flat out said that, leaving me hanging. Probably, he doesn't see it that way.

At any rate, we began sort of mending bridges at a certain point. i became a weekly call, like his mom, though he still didn't seem to want to get together much. Then he announced he was seeing someone else, i hung up, called a friend, and cried, and we moved on. i resolved not to try to drag him back, as i've done in the past, but to let him move on peacefully, as i still could not commit to something i didn't know was right. i think i even, last week, dealt with his relating the tale of his new relationship in front of me quite well. my girlfriend said my silence sold me out. Still, i'm proud of myself.

So that's the background of the bitterness. Here's the meat itself: it's his last week before he moves to take a new job. Discussing our activities this week, he states he's going to dinner with the new girl on Thursday. They are supposed to be just friends at this point, leaving the more open. As i said, i am not trying to get in the way of this, at least not as i would have in the past. we are moving on. It's for the best too, i honestly believe. While he had so much of what i wanted, and knew me so well, and we got along so well, we never quite meshed exactly, and i think part of that was religion wise. Same religion, different levels of devotion. At it's base i think that's part of why it never worked, though i don't think it's the only part. Still......

he was the closest thing to a relationship i had for three or four years. we did the dance for that long, he stayed with me on the computer for hours when i lost my cat, i talked with him during an anxiety attack at a hotel. If nothing else, we were really close friends. he knew and accepted things about me most people don't know. i didn't spill his secrets. They've gotten together a few times now, she took my place in the online chat sessions, (did i mention that she shares my name); he met her maybe a month or two ago. They aren't technically in a relationship, or i would have no grounds for my bitterness. to be truthful, i probably don't anyway. however, during his last week, she gets dinner. i probably won't get anything beyond tonight's phone call.

because i was more involved than probably most people realize this makes me bitter, even granting that it wasn't meant to be and we are better moved on. because most people don't read me that well, my friends tease me about it, crack jokes, and get all flippant about it. Instead of commiserating while i lick my, admittedly superficial (and Thank God!!!!! they're superficial (and for all else)), wounds they either chuckle at my expense, tell me it's my fault and i'm stupid for not going for it before, or tell me how good it is he's happy. (It is.) i wanted to think, though, that even just as a friend i would rank pretty highly.

so here we go. The computer screen won't crack a joke, and i've been able to vent at length. this is therapeutic. now, if i'm good as i should be, i'll pray that the bitterness passes. and, like a good little ice princess, i'll be stoic through the jokes, silent through the stories, and when saturday comes i will try not to dwell on the fact that she ranked higher than me, even as a friend. i won't mention it to anyone, but you. i'll hold my tongue about the weight of a few months over a few years, and the annoyance that most people won't realize.

/emo moment over. we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.