i used to be afraid

At one point i might have said, were i really being honest, that i was afraid of being happy. The problem with being happy, is that you fear it will end. Now this isn't necessarily true anymore, and i can say that i thank God that i now have the underlying joy and peace which God offers, and which nothing can unseat, (though even now as i write that i pray that this won't be tested, and now something won't happen which will test and shake that certainty). The point of this, is that i remembered that yesterday as i thought upon the two "everything's lovely" posts i just wrote, and then things fell (mildly apart).

The morning, yesterday, was wonderful. We were babysitting the young daughter of a friend, we shoveled snow and had snow ball fights, we ran errands and sang Taylor Swift songs, it was great.

Suddenly, however, it all fell apart. We stopped at the liquor store, so bubs could get enough alcohol to get him through his birthday weekend. i tried telling him to only buy one case, that 24 bottles really were enough to get him through a weekend. Suddenly he freaked out and drove away, yelling at me for being judgmental, for making snide comments, etc., and drove off. He was in a bad mood then, when we got home. The little girl ran to play solitaire, unused to us yelling at each other. Bud, the dog, appeared to have a bloody spot on his face. i was trying to look at it, and asking bubs to check it out. Bud wouldn't approach him, however, because he could tell how angry and upset he was. So after trying to make him, i tried to check it out again myself, and he attacked me.

Only one other time in my life would i say i've been truly attacked, by someone truly trying to hurt me. That was a friend's boyfriend at the time, beating me with a suitcase. This was the second, though it could be argued that he was only warning me and not really trying to hurt me. Were he really trying to hurt me, he likely would have/could have gone through the sweatshirt and sweater i was wearing. As it was, the only physical reminder i have of the incident is two light puncture marks on my side. They are only bruises, really, he barely broke the skin. Bubs and i yelled him into submission, and into the kitchen, and he's been fine with me since. i'm still a little bit nervous though.

Things again began to go well. i got a lot done on our "office", the area upstairs that i have cleaned out and decided to make my study. Currently, i do not have a bedroom, so while the house is "mine", there isn't really a space that truly is. This study, it is planned, will be my haven, (though it's convenient location right outside of mom's room will both help and hinder this.) i picked up the police report (strange because they were processing a criminal while i was there, and i had to leave so he could be pee tested), made it home safely (the roads became covered again), and went to the library for a novel (cheesy Christian romance, how i love you.)

We then went to the pizza store, where i not only got my favorite eggplant parmesan sandwich, but another flirt session with the pizza guy. However, i chickened out of buying 2 six packs for bubs, having offered to buy it there instead of the beer distributor. When i only came out with 1, and he no longer then had the money to stop at the distributor, he was again angry with me.

Now people wonder why i'm so apologetic. i know why, at least i have a running theory. i want to make people happy. i am an inveterate people pleaser, at my core. This doesn't mean i'm always unselfish. Sometimes, i admit, i'm terribly selfish; sometimes i'm unselfish but resent it. These are things i need to work on, character flaws which must be rectified. What it does mean, however, is that when someone yells at me, or gets upset, and tells me that i'm at fault, i feel terrible. i take it upon myself, and try to find a way to please the other person, to rectify the situation. i internalize what people say. This can be more problematic in situations where, as with bubs, the other person lashes out frequently, but doesn't necessarily mean for it to torture me.

Unfortunately, also, some people realize this and begin to use it against me. Again, this is at least partially my fault- if you always act like a doormat, people who would not normally have done so will often eventually begin to treat you as such. The relationship just becomes warped. Actually, my college friends were the first friends i'd had in years for whom this didn't apply. That, whether or not these friends realize it, is probably why my family loved them so much my first year. They never treated me abusively, never made everything my fault, never spiked my drinks, etc.

This is part of why i'm so careful with romantic relationships as well. Though at least one of my friends denies this, i know, when i'm truly being honest, that i have the makings of an abused woman. Once i give someone power over me, they have that power, and they can wield it. i've seen it before, a narrow escape i made in my younger days. It all hearkens back to a run with my sister where she told me i was a human doormat and i would be an abused woman. i decided then that i would not be, and have worked against this since. My way of dealing with it through the years has been to toughen up, perhaps too much, and to be careful, perhaps excessively careful, about who i give any real power over me.

Okay, it's bubs' birthday, not a happy event in his mind, and mom is impatient. Life calls, the garbage must be paid, my cell-phone must be paid, mom must be fed, Mary must be paid, and mom's meds are due. It is time to get off a blog and move on.

Goal for the weekend: not to punch any more holes in the walls. That confession, however, must wait for a later post.

spread a little joy today,

Today we had no work, due to what they are calling a "snow-i-cane". It's just your average, run of the mill storm actually, big enough to cancel work for a day or two, not enough to cause people to talk about it for years (like the blizzard of ninety three). We are used to getting one or two a year, and this year, so historic due to the amount of snow everyone else has been getting, has been notable for us by the lack of such storms before this point.

During the blizzard of '93 i was at district band. i remember it clearly, partially because it effected the band festival and i ended up spending a night at home with my host family (we watched the olympics) that wasn't scheduled. i also remember it clearly because daddy came to the concert. he broke the law doing it, as the governor had closed the roads. It made me feel so proud, and so loved, that he would break the law for me.

K-love, one of my two favorite radio stations, has been talking about the five love languages all week. As i suspected, when i took the test my primary love language was service. Out of a possible 12, i scored a 2 on physical affection. That wasn't a terrible surprise either.

It does make me think about mom too. i think her love language might be quality time. She's always asking me to spend time with her, and sometimes she almost breaks my heart, asking me late at night or in the morning if i will stay home and take care of her.

This strikes me as a somewhat boring blog post. That's okay with me. Lord willing, things will stay good. Please Lord, please?

a sleepy blizzardy night.....

i'm sitting up awake, (a general state to be in sitting up, though, in truth, i'm not really even sitting) on a pre-snowy night. bubs is snoring, mom (i hope) is sleeping, i'm using a computer (see the part about bubs being asleep), and the golden girls is playing in the background. Thank and praise God, He is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's a chance we won't have work tomorrow. God has truly provided for me at work!!!!! It's nice to know that, if the weather is truly bad, we won't have to risk our safety. It's supposed to be a foot or more of snow through tomorrow.

i'm sleepy. it truly makes me happy to try and write here, and realize how very content i am, thank God! and praise God!

God is good!!!!!!!!!!

When diapers replace discos

My life has changed. i spend most of my time at work, or at home with the family. my social life lingers on the side of non-existance; i was discussing this with a college friend last night. sometimes i get paranoid that the friends i used to hang out with don't want to hang out with me anymore, paranoid that they don't like me. With some of them this may be the problem. Others may be unwilling to adjust to the changes in my life- to the fact that you can't invite me places spur of the moment unless you're okay with mom coming, or the fact that i may have to cancel on you if something happens. Part of it is probably the fact that i used to drive places to see people, and many aren't willing to hang out here. Is this what motherhood does to your social lives, mothers? my love life has basically gone the way of my social life. The one guy who used to ask me out regularly, the closest thing i've had to a relationship for the past five or so years (okay, ever), appears to have tacitly lost interest. To be honest, i can't blame him, given our history (mostly my fault). Since then the only men who've asked me out have done so at the prompting of mom's "find my daughter a man" spiels. "Hmmm, that girl is pretty and apparently desperate, let's give it a go" is, while flattering, not how i want to find romance. If i even had the energy for romance, or the time, or thought the average man would be interested in what i have to offer. "Hi. i'm a terribly difficult to date woman who is the primary caregiver for a mother with dementia. Oh, did i mention that my brother is clinically depressed, and so i occasionally have to worry about doing my best to help him stay together? i work two jobs, neither of which pays much money, and hold three leadership roles in the church. i will place my mom and brother's needs before our relationship, just to warn you. It can be hard to carve out time to spend with me. my house is falling apart, and i'm a terrible housekeeper. Want to go on a date now?" Yeah, the way i see it, i'm just gonna have to wait and see if God has a man for me. Most of the time, i don't even want to expend the emotional energy to even look. However, i do give myself the pleasure of flirting with pizza guy once a week. It's come to be something i look forward to, a completely meaningless sort of light flirtation with a guy i'm fairly certain i wouldn't actually be interested in, not even really my type. he has tattoos all up his arms, long curly hair and gauged ears. i fancy that he uses me for the same thing i use him for- a bright spot of merriment amidst the drudgery. It's the sort of thing that would be utterly ruined were he to ever actually ask me out. It's just nice, especially on a cleaning saturday when my outfit consists of jeans and a sweatshirt, and my day has consisted of traipsing through mouse turd and scrubbing the toilet, to realize that i still might be worth flirting with. Pizza guy doesn't know that i'm a caregiver, that my house is falling apart, or anything else. To him, in my mind, i really could be the young, alternative 30 year old who used to live overseas and edges toward being a hippie, a social activist free on a saturday night, a blank slate of possibilities before her, who would be fun to spontaneously invite for a coffee . Not that i would trade my current life to reclaim this girl, please don't get me wrong. i love my life now as it is, and contrary to well-meaning busybodies i am happy with the path i have chosen. Still, sometimes, i like to pretend that i'm still her. This is the real reason i look forward to pizza night. Can any of you understand this? It's probably much the way a new mother feels, when diapers replace discos. Well mick needs his computer back soon. mom broke ours. so i'm going to go. There's a movie i've rented which i think i'll try to get her to watch with me so i don't waste the money we spent renting it. There's dinner to be gotten together, and meds to dispense, and then, before i go to sleep, i should pray that i can sleep through the night. That's a whole other story- mom's recent medical needs, and the pain which frequently awakens her (and me). Last night it was 2:30 to 4:00 am, approximately. Still, lying beside her praying that she could fall asleep again, and that i could too, was one of those moments when i realized how much i loved her. Funny, huh.

it's been a while

It's been an up and down sort of day, but i finally have access to a computer/the motivation (probably briefly) to post, so here we go. Do me a favor though, okay? If you actually read this post, will you comment on it, so i know that there is a purpose in writing it at all?

So much has happened since the last time i updated. i have a new job (Lord willing), mom's had tons of health issues, bubs' has had some issues but is doing well in school. Life goes on. Throughout the day today i plotted the posts i would make- one devoted entirely to feces, one devoted to my journey through the phases of me today (spurred by the discovery of college totes), perhaps even a post on the effects/effectiveness of punching holes in walls. (Thank God i've yet to break anything.) i think tonight, however, i'm just going to log off here. bubs is drunk again, and in a hate everything mood, i'm tired, and i have to mentally/emotionally prepare myself for dealing with the infuriating pretend pastor who preaches from our pulpit each week now. That in and of itself would/could be an entire post.

Okay, to bed with me now, i've developed this new trend where, since i spend saturday in cleaning clothes, i want to get dolled up in something edgy for church, (i don't want to say sexy, as that does not seem good with church.

annoyance

Mom does not deal with waiting well. She is wandering around, and has been for the last half an hour or so that i've been on the computer. Meanwhile, bubs is talking (loudly) with his friend jeremy about the different sorts of alcohol, and my nerves feel strained to a near breaking point. my friend (aka best friend from home) turns thirty tonight, and as much as i don't want to drive 20 minutes away to see her (when with my windshield currently i have trouble seeing anything at night and was just reveling in my lack of need to drive far at night tonight) i ought to help her celebrate. i'd asked bubs to take me. he declined. he can't, you understand, loudly discuss beer while he's driving.

okay, mom is not going to stop until i give up and give her the computer for solitaire.

i wish you well, i wish you well.......

This weekend (well pre-weekend really), xh., m. her husband, and r. came to visit. They came because, in the past, i have come to philadelphia to celebrate the new year with them, and this year i felt my home life precluded this. (mom is walking to the bank, please hold while i watch to ensure she makes it across safely.) So they came to see me. It was really a blessing, though, as always, nothing turned out so simply as planned.

mom refused to come with us. i was so embarassed, and felt so guilty. bubs has been caught, again, in a quagmire of depression. This is one of the deeper bouts- he lay in bed yesterday, too despondent to get up, and told me with sincere pain in his voice that nothing would help. i know what would help- God can, but he claims he's tried and God isn't answering. i don't know why God is putting him through this, but i know He has a plan, and i pray that the plan leads to good in bubs' life. People don't seem to realize how bad things are for him. our middle sister says he's not truly depressed, and expects him to jump out of it. she thinks i'm enabling him. i live with him though, i see the sadness. Last night he asked if i'd be upset if he shot himself. i don't think he was entirely serious, but it's still a scary question. At any rate, when mom didn't come with us, bubs agreed to stay home with her. i felt so badly that he was missing his party, and that these people had traveled so far because i needed to be with mom, only to discover that i could leave her at home after all. They had the good grace not to appear upset.

r. doesn't seem to get my life situation. he kept asking me why i didn't just spend the night with them, why i didn't go back to philadelphia with them, ribbing me about never coming and visiting. Perhaps i worry too much, perhaps my worries are unfounded, perhaps (i wonder this sometimes) my family would do better without me sometimes if i didn't put so much effort into holding things together. This morning, however, mick and mom had a screaming match over the toilet. They can be so cruel to each other. She can't help her behavior sometimes, and he really can't deal with it right now. Things escalate until he's hitting walls, and she's threatening to call the cops, and maybe hitting him. So am i really overworrying things, and i making things worse by being the mediator instead of forcing them to deal with each other, or am i holding together a situation which, without me, may be quite bad. i told xh. that maybe after mickey calmed down, i would go down there again. Then again, Lord willing, he'll be in an apartment by then. So we both agreed that i probably wouldn't. It's like having to care for a child, except not, because you can force a child to come visiting with you.

The visit itself was great. we fenced with balloon swords, saw a madrigal choir, saw the movie avatar, watched a juggler, walked snowy streets with mom, built a giant snowman. i only freaked out a few times, once afraid to drive home from the movies, which i again felt very guilty about. it was good though. and i considered, on the drive home (having made bubs come get me, a blessing due to the snowy roads actually, so thank God for freak outs), how this way there was no jump into cold water. In the past, when i left for carefree weekends at friends' houses, walking home was a bit of a shock. Don't get me wrong, i love my life, but to go from being a young relatively carefree thirty year old jaunting with friends, back to being a young, relatively carefree thirty year old with a mother, a household, two jobs, a brother, two cats, and a dog for whom she feels at least partially responsible, is a bit like diving into the deep section of a pool on a warm day after an hour's sunbathing. Sure, the warmth of the sun was worth it. The swimming will be worth it too, once the shock wears off. That shock, however, is mildly distressing. This way i never left my life, though i got to dance in the sun, i kept one toe in the water while floating on my raft. The shock, then wasn't so extreme, if it was even there.

Speaking of responsabilities, they are calling now. Though i've been up since nine, i have yet to give mom or buddy their morning medicine. Today i ought to clean, do laundry (start the stove so it dries), get mom's medicine and mine (probably get breakfast while we're in hallstead), and try to do stuff with bubs to help him shake his lethargy. Tonight i have my cousin's wedding. Lord willing i'll get there with no problems, and get mom there as well. Getting both of us ready can be a bit of a chore sometimes, and i always pray that me and driving will go well together.

i hope, Lord willing, to maybe stop by the Christian bookstore on the way to the wedding. i have $10 from my aunt, and i want to buy a Christian historical or military fiction with it. bubs once commented on my reading. i told him we each had our maladaptive coping mechanisms.- he his alcohol, and me my escapist fiction. i pride myself on mine being less destructive, though i still pray God will pardon something i perhaps spend too much time, money, and energy on.

okay, mom's getting pleasantly impatient (asking me questions ever minute or so, as opposed to swearing and crying and fidgeting). i'd best go. remind me to tell you my most recent thoughts on love later, however.