You're love is amazing..... (God)

Cross-posted from my livejournal:
Wow, it's been a while. So i'm working on updating this and my blogspot blog a bit more, and maybe i'll take a page from gina's book, though i won't do the entire blog revitalization plan. The first day of it, though, was an introduction. i was thinking about how much that introduction has changed since i first opened this account. So here is who i think i am now. it's not who i used to think i'd be at this age, necessarily. but so much of me is the same. and i'm happy with how it is:

Soon i'll be 31, i'm female, brown hair, brown eyes, short-ish and not nearly so athletic as i once was and hope to be again. That stuff hasn't changed much, except perhaps for the less athletic bit. i'm more of a housewife now than i used to be, though in my honest moments i can admit that i'm not very good at this housewife thing. i live at home with my brother and my mom. mom has some health issues, which is why i live at home, at least partially. people talk all the time about how brave, or good, or courageous this makes me. really, it doesn't. your parents take care of you, you take care of them. that's the way it should be- and i think it's the way God wants it, at least as long as you can do it. i'm tired of people lecturing me about giving up my life, sacrificing my happiness, yadda, yadda, yadda. i haven't received this lecture in a while, but it hasn't, i imagine, gone entirely away. this is my choice, and i'm excessively happy with it. so keep your opinions to yourself kindly. thanks. so i guess you could call me a caregiver, but thank and praise God!!!!!!! (for all!!!!!!!) that mom's been doing really well for a while now, she really isn't declining much if at all, and so let's just say i'm not a caregiver i'm a daughter.

i'm also a mite bit ocd. okay, maybe more than a mite bit. i'm okay with that though. God is amazing! He gets me through everything, and He made me who i am, and i'm grateful to Him. it's been a while since i've had a major anxiety issue too. So really, thank God!, mentally i've been very well adjusted. :OD.

i'm an instructor now at a workforce development center. recently my boss offered to steal me away for full-time grantwriting. i began to fear, while very excited about this, that i would miss my classroom. God came through again, praise Him! the current plan is for me to do half-time, once i talked to the boss about it. So, Lord willing, in the next few weeks i'll be able to say that i'm both an instructor and a development specialist. much love. i've my master's in social work, my bachelor's in english, my secondary english certification, and i'm currently pursuing my social work license. praise God!

oh, i'm a reporter too, at night. it's a good job, covering police reports, municipal meetings, and school boards.

i used to be very into fencing, but i've sadly fallen out of that as well. it's on that list of things i want to do again some day. running, fencing, clarinet playing,..... but i'm happy with how i am.

i used to be very into the sca. our local barony got way raunchy, however, etc., and my priorities just changed. that's on the list of things i may want to do again some day. for now lurking at times suits me just fine.

my social life went down somewhat a while back. it was probably a few months before i realized how little i missed it. funny how growing up changes you.

my love life is back to zero. e. eventually gave up on us, which hurt for a bit because he did it rather abruptly to my mind, but i'm grateful and see how that was for the best too. i'm currently, at least in word, endeavoring to wait for the guy (if any) God has for me. in the meantime i thank Him for His being there, and for my brother's living at home. you know, he can help sometimes with guy things, etc.

you may have noticed i'm a bit religious. Christian, baptist by denomination, but i call myself a liberal conservative. God is at the center of my life, or He should be. He is wonderful to me! He is the only way to salvation. He is the only reason i've gotten as far as i have. i get tired of people lecturing me about my religion, and how i spend too much time at church with youth group, sunday school, and missions board. they don't seem to realize that for me, my beliefs are integral.

they don't have a job.....

basically, this is just a post to point out that you may have noticed that i have done a little redecorating. i was washing dishes today, and was thinking about my missions. this, now, appears to be my mission, and thank God for it. may He help me through it, and to try to do as He would have me to do. praise Him for all. amen.

it took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don't love me.....

"Just let me be bitter for a minute without a smart reply." That's basically what i said to bubs a minute ago, and he tried to hand me a beer. For him, that's tantamount to loving support, and were it not Sunday i would probably have taken it. i have problems drinking on Sunday however. i planned on starting this entry by writing that, "i'm trying not to be bitter". i guess, however, that i'm not actually trying very hard. i'm kind of rolling in it, like a pig seeking the cooling effect of sludge. So i'll post here, get it out, and perhaps then try not to be bitter.


i think, with a friend's help, i've nailed down at least part of why people think i'm a lesbian. This happens in cycles, the rumors start spreading, and the comments are made. It was recently suggested that it might have something to do with my not being very open, with the average person, about my attraction to or feelings towards men. This, i think, can also be carried out to the relationships, or what passes for relationships in my messed up love life, that i do have.

e., for instance. i don't know if the average person realizes how involved i actually was. Probably e. never did. Now in the end the end was my fault. Though i would say that he finally severed the ties, and in a manner which hurt more than most people likely knew, he did so because i wouldn't commit to beginning a relationship i was unsure was right, or would work out. Thus we did the dance for five years or so. he retreated, stopped calling as much, stopped communicating, and seemed uninterested in getting together. The retreat seemed abrupt to me, and some of his reticence seemed to come at times when i felt i needed someone. (This also is probably at least partially my fault, as i also don't communicate need as clearly as others perhaps.) Thus for him to go from "i'll always be there for you" to "i never want to spend time with you" hurt. In the end i think he was protecting himself. Having finally given up on us, he distanced himself. It's just he never came out and flat out said that, leaving me hanging. Probably, he doesn't see it that way.

At any rate, we began sort of mending bridges at a certain point. i became a weekly call, like his mom, though he still didn't seem to want to get together much. Then he announced he was seeing someone else, i hung up, called a friend, and cried, and we moved on. i resolved not to try to drag him back, as i've done in the past, but to let him move on peacefully, as i still could not commit to something i didn't know was right. i think i even, last week, dealt with his relating the tale of his new relationship in front of me quite well. my girlfriend said my silence sold me out. Still, i'm proud of myself.

So that's the background of the bitterness. Here's the meat itself: it's his last week before he moves to take a new job. Discussing our activities this week, he states he's going to dinner with the new girl on Thursday. They are supposed to be just friends at this point, leaving the more open. As i said, i am not trying to get in the way of this, at least not as i would have in the past. we are moving on. It's for the best too, i honestly believe. While he had so much of what i wanted, and knew me so well, and we got along so well, we never quite meshed exactly, and i think part of that was religion wise. Same religion, different levels of devotion. At it's base i think that's part of why it never worked, though i don't think it's the only part. Still......

he was the closest thing to a relationship i had for three or four years. we did the dance for that long, he stayed with me on the computer for hours when i lost my cat, i talked with him during an anxiety attack at a hotel. If nothing else, we were really close friends. he knew and accepted things about me most people don't know. i didn't spill his secrets. They've gotten together a few times now, she took my place in the online chat sessions, (did i mention that she shares my name); he met her maybe a month or two ago. They aren't technically in a relationship, or i would have no grounds for my bitterness. to be truthful, i probably don't anyway. however, during his last week, she gets dinner. i probably won't get anything beyond tonight's phone call.

because i was more involved than probably most people realize this makes me bitter, even granting that it wasn't meant to be and we are better moved on. because most people don't read me that well, my friends tease me about it, crack jokes, and get all flippant about it. Instead of commiserating while i lick my, admittedly superficial (and Thank God!!!!! they're superficial (and for all else)), wounds they either chuckle at my expense, tell me it's my fault and i'm stupid for not going for it before, or tell me how good it is he's happy. (It is.) i wanted to think, though, that even just as a friend i would rank pretty highly.

so here we go. The computer screen won't crack a joke, and i've been able to vent at length. this is therapeutic. now, if i'm good as i should be, i'll pray that the bitterness passes. and, like a good little ice princess, i'll be stoic through the jokes, silent through the stories, and when saturday comes i will try not to dwell on the fact that she ranked higher than me, even as a friend. i won't mention it to anyone, but you. i'll hold my tongue about the weight of a few months over a few years, and the annoyance that most people won't realize.

/emo moment over. we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

an everyday girl

Dementia is a faultless disease. For mom, nothing is her fault. Everything is ours, and this can be difficult to deal with, this constant blame. There's a fine tightrope between accepting blame which is deserved, and internalizing blame which is the result of a diseased brain. What isn't really our fault, her memory twists to become so. There is that old adage, “There is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” This is pivotal in dementia- that which they think is true oftentimes, regardless of reality. I read a book review once which explained the obstinate nature of those with dementia in a simple yet convincing way. If someone came to you and told you the sky was green, absolutely insisted the sky was green, and called you crazy for thinking it blue, wouldn't you be frustrated? No imagine if every person you met told you it was green, treated you like a child for denying this lie, locked you up and drugged you into submission. Dementia eats holes in your memory, and a void in reality is frightening. The best thing, then, for one's peace of mind is to fill in those holes; an empty ravine is much more terrifying than one filled with sod. Once the holes are filled, do you dare disturb the dirt, or do you vehemently maintain that it was always there. Why should we get angry at those with dementia? They are only doing what any reasonable person would do.

cat lady.....

So i've been.....emotional lately. While i was cleaning, or something, i was plotting this post in my head, and have decided to try and write it before i take a shower. (the problem with being an employment skills instructor is that you really ought to practice what you preach- i.e. personal hygiene, thus i shower now perhaps more often than i used to). There's a small voice in my head saying that perhaps i oughtn't to even post something like this onto the world wide web- and an even larger voice saying it' s my blog and, barring terrible horrible no good very bad things (name that book), i should be able to post whatever i want. Caveats aside, away we go.

Perhaps i should preface this with the fact that i've been blissfully unemotional lately, thank and praise God!!!!! Oh, there were the feelings of low self-esteem caused by e's foray into a new dating relationship, and there's the occasional blowup, but, thank and praise God!!!!!!! for all!!!!!!!!! none of this compares with the emotional storms of the past. Most of the time i'm rather happy, and sailing an even keel, no night terrors, no freak outs, and a somewhat sunny view of life. So erase that first sentence, and replace it with, "so today i've been kind of emotional".

now not all emotions are bad. Sure, this evening i've had my share of snippishness and malaise, but earlier was quite fun. There's a reason, i know, why i've been more emotional today. i have no immediate plans of using my uterus for an incubator, and it's making its monthly protest of this decision. This is usually accompanied by varying levels of emotional upset- ranging from little to no, to the infamous superhero, the nefarious "super-mood".

One thing which is relatively standard, however, is a certain tendency to be..... how to put this delicately..... on the prowl. No i've been blessed, i'd say, with an unusually low sex drive. That is to say, as a general rule, i'm not overly tempted to make out with someone, or even kiss someone, and the idea of going further is forbidden enough to hold very, extremely, incredibly, little allure. As a general rule, i'm about as cuddly as a porcupine. Though i have been known to enjoy the odd evening leaning against a guy, watching tv and talking while sharing a blanket (fully clothed and not laying down) on the couch, the enjoyment comes more from a feeling of comfort and being liked, i daresay, than any true pleasure from the physical touch. Like wine, i enjoy what physical touch represents, more than the substance itself. During the scheduled uterine protest, however, i have to watch myself , or i might catch myself flirting crazily with any unattached male who catches my fancy. Flirting, unlike physical contact, is something i enjoy on a regular basis. This turns it up a notch (or two, or three, or four). The infamous "marcus night", the closest i've ever been to toying a little too far with the physical line (for which i've thanked and praised God since i didn't get myself in trouble, as sneaking down to flirt rampantly with a drunk guy is not the safest thing i've ever done), led not only to the nightmare that is at least partially responsible for curing me of such nights since, but to my morning revelation of "oh, no wonder i acted like that". i now try to guard against this a mite bit better.

Enter the man i went to assist in proctoring an official test today at work. Cute, a fun sense of humor, a fellow instructor, nice eyes, successful, and wearing a silver ring. Yes, i checked. Yes, i then checked the ring fingers of other men in the room, and did the mental calisthenics to see if "the" ring was indeed on "the" finger. Much to my dismay, it was. Yes, i checked again. Yes, it was still there. Okay, this makes him off limits for flirtation. (Though any other time i might have reasoned that as a co-worker he probably already should have been.) Here, to me, is the funny part. Were freud right about the parts of our subconscious, and i able to hear them, i fancy the conversation might have gone something like this:
superego: Do not flirt. Do not check him out. Do not feel attracted to him.
id: but check out his eyes. they're pretty. do you feel the chemistry too?
superego: No. Back away from him. Avert your eyes. No flirting!
ego: but in id's defense, it's rude to look away when talking to someone. Wait? Did he just say something important?
memory: Don't worry. Got it! Could you please pay attention though?
superego: Yes- pay attention. This is important. Remember, we're at w-o-r-k, and that's a wedding ring.
ego: but it's not gold like the other guys'. maybe it's a pretty ring he just likes to wear. or maybe.....
id: ooh, let's daydream about this, he only wears it to discourage women hitting on him.
ego: like us you mean?????
id: yes, crap. i mean no, like other, sketchy women.
superego: it doesn't matter, a ring on that finger means he's married, and thus off limits. now shut up id and step away from the man.
id: it wouldn't hurt to flirt a little. harmless.
superego: ahem. we are Christian. no flirting. period.
id: then tell ego to stop playing along.
ego: it isn't gold you know..... but some men do have silver rings.....
superego: no means no. and that's final.
ego and id: awww, okay.
scene 4: the departure and the handshake
id: oooh, was there chemistry in that handshake?????
superego and ego: shut-up id!!!!!
cue laugh-track from audience. roll credits. next month, on as the flirt turns, an unmarried man.
well, it amused me. now on to the shower.

He will take care of you.

i'm attempting, theoretically, to update this every day. i'm also watching in plain sight, which show i adore. there's a snoring dog passed out next to me, a wakeful bubs a few feet away playing on his mac, and a slightly confused mom turning off her solitaire. life is good, thank and praise God for all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a certain pleasure to lazy evenings, to the time between late enough for bed, and too early for mom to be worrying about not sleeping. at times she plays solitaire late into the night, while bubs and i pursue our own devices, and the dog dozes, nights like tonight where the temperature is right and the mood somewhat calm..... for these times i'm grateful when i'm wise, and i take into account, at least in some small part, the blessings that i have.

God knows what's right even when we don't, and i thank and praise Him that He gives us both what we need and some of what we want, that He guides us and watches us and protects us and is all and everything for us. God is amazing. let's just leave it at that for now.

baby you can drive my car

God has been awesome, thank and praise Him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am apparently not going to get in trouble with the office of the aging at this time. This is a huge blessing. we had, again, a worker at our home last week apparently. This is the third time, and i was worried, not because i feel as if i'm a terrible abuser, but because i fear the repercussions of a negative investigation, or any investigation at all. i worried about my social work license, and my educational certificate, and my career in both. i worried about them trying to force mom into a home. the lady, however, ascribed her visit to its true cause. my neighbors are nosy. they refer me, she has to investigate, but she once again found nothing of import.

praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

earlier today we had a moment. it was wonderful. occasionally, when i'm thinking straight, not being selfish, and not being lazy, i realize that part of what mom really craves is activity, and companionship. rather than complaining that she won't allow me to clean, if i take the time to find ways for her to help me clean, sometimes so much can be done. twice i've experienced this recently, and both times were wonderful. tonight it was mowing the lawn (i consider the hand mower i bought last year to be one of the best purchases of the year). she took over the mowing, able to do so safely by the motorless nature of my newish machine. i worked on clearing the garden. she was so happy. my erstwhile young cousin questioned me on this decision, asking if it was too heavy for her. i explained to her that the elderly don't like to sit around all day doing nothing. i hope i can remember this more often.

praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank and praise God for all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!