utterly twitterpated

.....okay, i'm not. Actually, my love life is sort of at a standstill. i simply like the phrase, "utterly twitterpated." Living now in the world of real estate, i miss the world of english more and more.

i drove past the formal gown shop at the bottom of the hill near where i work, and realized that i want to skip valentine's day this year.

i'm attempting to update this, largely to make happy one of my closest friends, who not only appears to read it, but actually requests that it be updated. In the meantime, however, mom keeps interrupting me. Her patience is low, in some ways. She often "needs" to know the answers to questions right now, yet she can play solitaire for hours at a jaunt. It can become frustrating, answering the same questions over and over, or just answering questions all the time. Sometimes i catch myself going on auto pilot, and realizing belatedly how incorrectly i answered. Quite often i tell her it's the wrong day, in this manner. Saturday, no, it's Tuesday mom.

Life here has continued trucking along. (Yes, i realize that this is poor writing form, to use such cliches as "trucking along".) i've thought about a few posts i should put here, even began one. (See, in the midst of beginning a deep paragraph on the death of friends in the minds of dementia patients, i am interrupted by "we have no toilet paper", yelled from upstairs. This is one of her current obsessions, toilet paper. we must, at all times, have several rolls in stock. Only one roll, if in any way not full, is tantamount to being out of it.

mom locked her companion out of the house yesterday. She didn't want her coming in, bubs was off work, so she locked the door and told her so. When bubs related this to me later, when i called from work, i laughed. He scolded me, stating that it was not funny. It's not kind of me, but it is, in a certain way, very humurous. To picture my small mother locking the dooor, like a petulant child, and telling the nurse (for lack of a better short nickname) to go home. Lord forgive my pettyness.

The nurse and i have a somewhat strained relationship. It appears as if we are both looking for a way out of the current situation, but we both need it until we find one, so we both pretend nothing is wrong. Then both of us lets bubs know, in no uncertain terms, about our unhappiness. Poor bubs.

The last few days, mom has awoken (and thus i have awoken) in the middle of the night due to excrutiating (apparently) foot pain. Lord willing, we have another doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow. Please, should anyone actually read this, pray for it- okay?????

Well, this post has been somewhat disjointed. There are many ways in which it could be expanded, or ordered, or solidified. There is so much more i could say. However, i think mom and i are going to attempt to watch a movie, and there are wet clothes to be considered. God is god, life is good, may it, if He wills, continue to be so.

i'm in a lousy mood. i don't even know why i write to this thing, for the one or maybe two people who might read it in the world. Originally, it was supposed to be cathartic, telling my story to the world, maybe letting others know they weren't alone. letting my closer friends stay abreast of developments in my life too personal for livejournal and its judgmental eyes. At this moment, however, those rays of hope and inspiration have been swallowed by a sort of dead weight despondency which sucks me into lethargy. i've done some work today, and have much to do, but decided i ought to go get glasses. Speaking of which, i'd best go get dressed, although my desire to get the glasses has waned. i'm really only doing it at this point so that i can see next week, Lord willing, while traveling to philadelphia. mom and mickey need me now.

savoring this hope and healing..........

Thank and praise God!!!!!!!!!

The articles are going well.

Lord willing, they'll continue to do so.

:OD.

oooh, ooh, oh, the sweetest thing

mom appears to have lost half my laptop cord. Which means i don't have it to do my newspaper article on. So i'm trying to do two articles and a police report (which i had to handwrite at the station due to the aforementioned laptop cord issue), but mom is wandering around swearing (because i'm not upstairs with her like i normally am, winding her down for the night), bubs is drunk (at least that puts him in a decent mood, but still.......) and there isn't really sufficient light to make me happy doing this on the desktop.

in related news, i actually had this conversation with bubs (something like this)after realizing that we hadn't gotten mom her tylenol pm yet (she needs it to sleep through the night, and usually that hasn't been enough, and i've been giving her fish oil pills as placcebos to compensate, else she will med seek for another sleeping pill on top of the tylenol):
"are you sober enough to take mom for tylenol pm"
"define sober"
"not going to get in an accident, or get arrested"
"i'd get arrested if i was caught, but i should be able to make it to the pump without crashing" (pump is like two blocks away)
"well, can you take her?????"
pause, pause, pause.........
"bubs, did you hear what i said?????"
"no, what"
"i said, if you stop drinking now, you could still take mom for her tylenol pm"
his answer was a laugh. at which point i decided it was too late.
him: "she doesn't need it"
me: "well, i can't give her three fish oil pills"
think, think.........
"i guess i could give her some regular tylenol instead"
At one point this conversation would have probably shocked me, or i would have been ashamed of it. To think that i would ask my slightly drunk brother to drive our mom to a store, because he's sober enough to drive and it's not likely the cop will catch him, or to think that we would discuss what placebo we'll give her tonight, would probably have seemed very foreign. Now stuff like this is just part of my life, associated with only mild bemusement and guilt.
She is wandering around me puttering. i may have to stop the newspaper article writing to settle her down, despite the fact that i have noon deadline and three assignments, one of which was an almost four hour long meeting, and i have to work tomorrow. Thank God!!!!!!!!! that at least i was able to get part of the long one written during school today, and the other one should be short, and the third just typing in the police report from my notes.

Still, i sometimes think that i might have to quit this newspaper gig soon. It just doesn't fit in so well to my life of late. The paper's been pretty patient about late assignments, thank God!!!!!!, but still..........

Lord willing this one will work out too. back to work.

the ways i've failed.....

i've been failing a lot lately, in mom's care. Or at least i feel like i have (for instance, sitting here typing this instead of hanging with her). On that note, i think i'll finish this later maybe.

carve your name here in my arm

This morning i turned things over to God. This was a good thing, and, as i said on my facebook, a relief. Things here have been good, though i'm currently in one of those moods where i'm basically emotionally..... off. So here are some of the highlights:

-concerned about bubs' drinking and depression. like really, seriously concerned. i pray for him, and need to leave him in God's hands, but i feel like i'm being inadequate in meeting his needs.

-xh. and her amazing family are helping us get a furnace. thank God!!!!!!! (praise Him!!!!!!!) (and for all!!!!!!!) i was able to get the basement ready for the furnace, i think. So heat. woohoo. now there's more room down there, and i just have trouble motivating myself to continue cleaning. this leads to

-feelings of inadequacy. in like a little over a week, i'm supposed to start my other job. and i should have someone to stay with mom at this time. but the house is nowhere near ready. and i know if i got my ass in gear, i could get it ready, or more so, but my motivation lacks, and sometimes i think i'm just a terrible person.

-subbing, lots. this is a good thing. love money.

-ignoring bills. elizabeth cohen wrote of this too, this feeling of overwhelmed, the house becoming a mess, the bills sitting unpaid, and how little this bothers you. funny how it doesn't. it's like there's this little voice, screaming, that to be a successful human you must care about all this, but that little voice is muffled under countless layers of cotton fluff apathy.

-where did elizabeth cohen go????? she isn't in my paper anymore.

-car has been out of commission for almost three weeks. running out of friends to impose on to drive and/or watch mom while i'm working. getting increasingly frustrated at the unwillingness friends show to help, though i know i've probably been just as unwilling at times, and they may have proven themselves before.

- r is about to age out of his home. they're scrambling for a family. mom, last night while i was telling this to sister (bridezilla), asked why we didn't bring him home. love to.

-my love life deserves its own post. i'm about finally ready to accept that the long running "perhaps" is over, and to be okay with it, and, at the end, it actually wasn't my decision, a surprise to anyone who knows the history. since then, i've had some suitors, but they're creepy, older, desperate, etc. like i said, it deserves it's own post, if for nothing else than the humor of it.

-please God, can good things keep happening to us, and not bad?????????

under pressure, pushing down on me, pushing down on you......

"you don't give a f***ing sh**t about me". i hear this phrase often, second perhaps to the ever present "find her a man". This does annoy me a bit sometimes, when, like today, my patience level is low, though i know that my life is wonderful (thank God for all!!!!!!!!!) and i really ought to be more tolerant (and joyful) about life in general. i live with her. i help her dress sometimes. i do not travel overseas. If i did not care about her, i probably wouldn't live here. At least that's what i tend to think. This is my life though. This is where i want it to be too. i am happy in it, and thank God for it. Though i probably wouldn't complain were mom to be miraculously healed tomorrow.

Today i thought that i feel a bit as if i'm caught between two generations. At times i feel young, and empowered- a thirty year old career professional who really could act like those people on tv, the coffees, the clubs, the fun and mischief. Other times, though, i feel as if i've passed this by now, as if i'm a sedentary adult, an adult, and i wonder if the young and wild is still attainable. Do i want it to be? Again, i thank God for who, what, where, i am, but these are just the thoughts that go through my brain.

The amazing xheni and mott, my best friend and her husband (to be differentiated from the childhood best friends perhaps mentioned in previous posts), did much to help me with this on my actual 30th birthday. we had a day of fun and frolic, going to the zoo, playing ddr, competing in air hockey, and watching cloudy with a chance of meatballs, the 3d experience. Then we had a hippie food birthday dinner extravaganza with my family. Thank You God for amazing friends!!!!!

Much else has occurred, but perhaps this shall wait for another time. The internet is walking funny. (He, he, he, walking funny, oh typos, wherefore art though, although that wasn't really a typo- i meant to say that.) Okay, it's connected, let's post quickly.