besame, besame mucho........

It has been a very long time since i've updated. Oftentimes i think about what i want to write here, but then i don't actually do it.

It's just that life has so become a dichotomy. At one point, it is so fraught- fraught with emotion, with activity, with responsibilities. Yet, simultaneously, it is so mundane- i live in small town rural america, and spend my nights doing things like scrubbing the bathtub, and blogging about my life. i'm happy as it is, don't get me wrong, it's just strange.

i oughtn't to write for too long, even now. mom has been calling for her medicine for a while. It isn't so cruel for me to be doing this instead- i'll probably, Lord willing, go up around eleven and watch tv with her, giving her her medicine then. This too has become a bit of a habit. She loves to have me up there. i don't think most of the time she's interested in my tastes in television. She just wants the company. She'll ask me, as i head downstairs, if i'm going to sleep there, all wistfully. She does not want me to leave. i often consider just staying. i often think that it might be a good option. i often wonder, but i don't do. yet. There is a chance one of these days i will, and i don't think it will hurt anything for me to do so.

bubs was very drunk tonight. This has become a habit as well. i'm concerned about his drinking, but i'm not entirely sure what to do about it. i try to talk him out of it, i try to tell him God will kill the pain better far better than alcohol, but it doesn't work so all i can do is pray. he is on the cusp of getting out and getting his life together, Lord willing, and i just do not want him to mess it all up be developing a drinking problem.

It's funny, the eldest sister (we'll call her murfle for now) is having problems again. She's lost her latest job, is living with friends who packed all her stuff up, and desperately wants to come home. She has said she will sleep in her car, in the woods around home, and in our back yard if necessary but that she really wants to come home. i told bubs that i couldn't take care of three mentally ill people, kind of apologizing for calling him mentally ill. he stated that he wasn't arguing with that, but asked if i didn't mean four, like i was sane. Thank God for how i am, but i had to concede the point that, with my ocd-ness perhaps getting more extreme with age, i couldn't argue with him either, so i amended my statement to say that i couldn't take care of four mentally ill people at once. Of course, i know this to be a lie: if God wills that she come home, i can take care of four mentally ill people at once. Actually, in truth, that really isn't true either. i don't have to, i won't have to, take care of four mentally ill people. God will do it instead. It isn't really my job to do anything. Thank God and praise God for that!!!!!!!!! Thank Him and praise Him for all!!!!!!!!!