When diapers replace discos

My life has changed. i spend most of my time at work, or at home with the family. my social life lingers on the side of non-existance; i was discussing this with a college friend last night. sometimes i get paranoid that the friends i used to hang out with don't want to hang out with me anymore, paranoid that they don't like me. With some of them this may be the problem. Others may be unwilling to adjust to the changes in my life- to the fact that you can't invite me places spur of the moment unless you're okay with mom coming, or the fact that i may have to cancel on you if something happens. Part of it is probably the fact that i used to drive places to see people, and many aren't willing to hang out here. Is this what motherhood does to your social lives, mothers? my love life has basically gone the way of my social life. The one guy who used to ask me out regularly, the closest thing i've had to a relationship for the past five or so years (okay, ever), appears to have tacitly lost interest. To be honest, i can't blame him, given our history (mostly my fault). Since then the only men who've asked me out have done so at the prompting of mom's "find my daughter a man" spiels. "Hmmm, that girl is pretty and apparently desperate, let's give it a go" is, while flattering, not how i want to find romance. If i even had the energy for romance, or the time, or thought the average man would be interested in what i have to offer. "Hi. i'm a terribly difficult to date woman who is the primary caregiver for a mother with dementia. Oh, did i mention that my brother is clinically depressed, and so i occasionally have to worry about doing my best to help him stay together? i work two jobs, neither of which pays much money, and hold three leadership roles in the church. i will place my mom and brother's needs before our relationship, just to warn you. It can be hard to carve out time to spend with me. my house is falling apart, and i'm a terrible housekeeper. Want to go on a date now?" Yeah, the way i see it, i'm just gonna have to wait and see if God has a man for me. Most of the time, i don't even want to expend the emotional energy to even look. However, i do give myself the pleasure of flirting with pizza guy once a week. It's come to be something i look forward to, a completely meaningless sort of light flirtation with a guy i'm fairly certain i wouldn't actually be interested in, not even really my type. he has tattoos all up his arms, long curly hair and gauged ears. i fancy that he uses me for the same thing i use him for- a bright spot of merriment amidst the drudgery. It's the sort of thing that would be utterly ruined were he to ever actually ask me out. It's just nice, especially on a cleaning saturday when my outfit consists of jeans and a sweatshirt, and my day has consisted of traipsing through mouse turd and scrubbing the toilet, to realize that i still might be worth flirting with. Pizza guy doesn't know that i'm a caregiver, that my house is falling apart, or anything else. To him, in my mind, i really could be the young, alternative 30 year old who used to live overseas and edges toward being a hippie, a social activist free on a saturday night, a blank slate of possibilities before her, who would be fun to spontaneously invite for a coffee . Not that i would trade my current life to reclaim this girl, please don't get me wrong. i love my life now as it is, and contrary to well-meaning busybodies i am happy with the path i have chosen. Still, sometimes, i like to pretend that i'm still her. This is the real reason i look forward to pizza night. Can any of you understand this? It's probably much the way a new mother feels, when diapers replace discos. Well mick needs his computer back soon. mom broke ours. so i'm going to go. There's a movie i've rented which i think i'll try to get her to watch with me so i don't waste the money we spent renting it. There's dinner to be gotten together, and meds to dispense, and then, before i go to sleep, i should pray that i can sleep through the night. That's a whole other story- mom's recent medical needs, and the pain which frequently awakens her (and me). Last night it was 2:30 to 4:00 am, approximately. Still, lying beside her praying that she could fall asleep again, and that i could too, was one of those moments when i realized how much i loved her. Funny, huh.