it's not malaise

So far as i can tell, there are three followers of this blog, and i'm one of them. So there is probably little point, public wise, for even writing in it. Still, it's therapeutic, and i justify the excess of venting this way by means of the faithful reading of v. She reads, so i can still assume that i' m not only speaking to myself.

The word for how i feel tonight escapes me. It's not lethargy, not malaise, i'm not laconic, i'm not distraught. It's the low level lowness and lack of passion from the first three, without (thank the Lord!) the fervor of the last. i'm not happy, i'm not restful, i have the lack of desire to accomplish great things accompanied with the guilt that i'm not.

Then again, guilt is, and always has been, one of my closest friends.

Life here has been continuing. Thank God for all! It's really been going well lately. i like my new job; more importantly, they like me. The pay isn't amazing, but the people are friendly- it's a single mom's dream job.

So why am i thinking of quitting?

Now, Lord forgive me, i felt so strongly called to this job, and now i'm wondering if i ought to be leaving. It boils down to mom, and m., her caregiver. m. needs to go, apparently. A little over a week ago i asked the proprietor of a local restaurant where they eat how she treats mom when they're there. After demurring some, she told me that if i could, i should replace her.

Add this to the reports from others of impatience, her own mumblings to bubs about "how bad she is", and the fact that she tattles to me like a child when mom does things like refusing to go to lunch- "she said you told her she didn't have to"- and it's time for a replacement. (By the way, mom doesn't have to go to lunch. Why is this such a problem again????? Couldn't you bring your lunch?) Recently she told me that mom refused to go to lunch with her, so she went to get some, and she told mom to stay home. She was gone only about twenty minutes, and when she came back mom was walking across the park, and she didn't know where she had gone. She told her to stay put, and seemed to be complaining to me that it was mom's fault for not listening to her. Hello, you do realize you are being paid to watch over a woman with dementia, right? She probably forgot you told her to stay home five minutes after you left the house. This isn't even getting into my displeasure at this habit of leaving mom alone. She still counts those hours as paid time. i don't get paid for my lunch break.

So back to quitting my job. mom hates having mary come. Often she begins stating this fact right after mary leaves, begs me not to let her come before bed, and wakes up early in the morning to continue her pleas. She follows me around in the morning, swearing, crying, threatening, beseeching me to let her stay home alone.

i don't feel i can do this.

i worry, however, that she would behave similarly for anyone coming. It seems unlikely, as well, that she'll agree to ride with someone else to a day treatment center. At times i wonder if the best solution might not be for me to try to work from home, save the money for a caregiver, and just look after her myself. A few days a week i could drive her to the day treatment center myself, and work at the library or something. Flexibility. Lack of job security. Knowledge that she wasn't being mistreated while i was away. Knowledge that i was further putting off any sort of traditional steady career. Do i really care?

So it's time for prayer. and research. and prayer. and petition that God wouldn't be upset if i choose wrong. and gratitude that no matter what happens, He will still love us.

There's a freelance writer and editor site, which i think i'll peruse. i'll probably apply at one or two online universities, just to explore. Sometimes i think this all would be so much easier if i had a helpmate. i try to remind myself, often, though, that i don't need one. God is all i need, like the 10th avenue north song i love so much.

"Why are you looking, for love? Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?"

Thank You, Lord!!!!!!!!!, that You are enough!!!!!!!!! Forgive me for forgetting it!!!!!

okay, i feel a bit better now, for getting it off my chest. Thanks, v., for reading.