Honesty in journalism is key, right? i'm a journalist, and i know this. So maybe, honesty in blogging is key too. Here it is- while everything is always alright, in the grand scheme of things, everything does not always feel right.... sometimes i'm an epic fail. For instance i can't even write about how i'm an epic fail now, as planned, because things are blowing up downstairs.....
i'm back. The laundry needed to be hung. Today is one of those bad days. i feel guilty even saying that it is bad, because i know that it truly isn't bad, that things could be so much worse, and i tread cautiously for fear that it will become bad simply due to my lack of gratitude. Lord willing that won't ever happen, and that things will stay good, as i thank and praise Him that they are (and all)!!
Perhaps it would be better to say, then, that today is one of those days which is worse than the average around here.
Let's just say, that despite my bravado, despite my acts (we are master actors around here), i'm not nearly as good at this game as i could be.
This house is a pigsty. Today, i thought i ought to clean it. Things were going well, until mom started following me around, questioning what i put in the garbage bags.
She is always right. In her mind, she is inerrant. Things are as she wants them to be- it's part of her condition. So, if the obsession demands, for instance, that she can eat old food, it could not hurt her. You, then, become the enemy for trying to stop her.
So cleaning sometimes becomes a matter of alternating between she telling you she had just done this (it is of course your fault that it got messy in the meantime), her questioning each move you make (and telling you how to do it better), and her telling you to leave it and take her somewhere.
Now i understand this. i understand that part of the problem is my need to clean alone- if i let her help me it would go so much more smoothly. If i did things her way, it would go more smoothly. If i had more patience, it would go more smoothly. Today i did none of these- hence the epic fail.
Today, i tried reasoning with her, begging her, snapping at her, and eventually throwing a temper tantrum. In a fit of childish indulgence, i dumped my garbage bag on the floor. Unfortunately i hit bubs with the stuff, causing him to get angry with her.
A good caregiver would not do this. A good caregiver would have all of the bills paid. We wouldn't be facing termination of the house insurance (again), the water (again), and the sewer (again), simply because i didn't mail the payment. (Mailed the former today, plan on paying the other two Monday, and in my defense, things rarely actually get canceled.) The house would be clean. Mom wouldn't be yelled at. Her bedroom would be clean, the electricity would work, there wouldn't be an estimating game ever few weeks to wait as long as possible before putting fuel in the tank without running out.
Sometimes i wonder if it would be better for her if she went to Texas, to live with my sister, who has always had things slightly more together in some ways than i have. Her house is always clean, her food always cooked, her bills only not paid if she can't afford them (then i send her money). Her husband stays home with the baby during the day, and she is home at night. Mom would always have someone at home with her.
They seem willing.
Yet, i don't really want to do this. i justify this with the idea that i think it matters that mom is where she lived and loved. Honestly, i like having her here. i don't want to live in Texas, and i decided a while ago that i do not want to live far from her if possible. i don't want to have her across the country (if she went to Texas, though, i would still feel the need to stay here to help care for my aunt, at least for a while at this point.)
i just need to become a better caregiver, a better "housewife", a better provider, a better leader at church, a better worker, a better witness, a better sister, a better friend. i know that if i trust God more, and try harder, i can do better. It's just a really daunting task.
Okay, let's go try this cleaning thing again. She's happily playing solitaire for now, so maybe i can continue.
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