On being an epic fail.....

Honesty in journalism is key, right? i'm a journalist, and i know this. So maybe, honesty in blogging is key too. Here it is- while everything is always alright, in the grand scheme of things, everything does not always feel right.... sometimes i'm an epic fail. For instance i can't even write about how i'm an epic fail now, as planned, because things are blowing up downstairs.....

i'm back. The laundry needed to be hung. Today is one of those bad days. i feel guilty even saying that it is bad, because i know that it truly isn't bad, that things could be so much worse, and i tread cautiously for fear that it will become bad simply due to my lack of gratitude. Lord willing that won't ever happen, and that things will stay good, as i thank and praise Him that they are (and all)!!

Perhaps it would be better to say, then, that today is one of those days which is worse than the average around here.

Let's just say, that despite my bravado, despite my acts (we are master actors around here), i'm not nearly as good at this game as i could be.

This house is a pigsty. Today, i thought i ought to clean it. Things were going well, until mom started following me around, questioning what i put in the garbage bags.

She is always right. In her mind, she is inerrant. Things are as she wants them to be- it's part of her condition. So, if the obsession demands, for instance, that she can eat old food, it could not hurt her. You, then, become the enemy for trying to stop her.

So cleaning sometimes becomes a matter of alternating between she telling you she had just done this (it is of course your fault that it got messy in the meantime), her questioning each move you make (and telling you how to do it better), and her telling you to leave it and take her somewhere.

Now i understand this. i understand that part of the problem is my need to clean alone- if i let her help me it would go so much more smoothly. If i did things her way, it would go more smoothly. If i had more patience, it would go more smoothly. Today i did none of these- hence the epic fail.

Today, i tried reasoning with her, begging her, snapping at her, and eventually throwing a temper tantrum. In a fit of childish indulgence, i dumped my garbage bag on the floor. Unfortunately i hit bubs with the stuff, causing him to get angry with her.

A good caregiver would not do this. A good caregiver would have all of the bills paid. We wouldn't be facing termination of the house insurance (again), the water (again), and the sewer (again), simply because i didn't mail the payment. (Mailed the former today, plan on paying the other two Monday, and in my defense, things rarely actually get canceled.) The house would be clean. Mom wouldn't be yelled at. Her bedroom would be clean, the electricity would work, there wouldn't be an estimating game ever few weeks to wait as long as possible before putting fuel in the tank without running out.

Sometimes i wonder if it would be better for her if she went to Texas, to live with my sister, who has always had things slightly more together in some ways than i have. Her house is always clean, her food always cooked, her bills only not paid if she can't afford them (then i send her money). Her husband stays home with the baby during the day, and she is home at night. Mom would always have someone at home with her.

They seem willing.

Yet, i don't really want to do this. i justify this with the idea that i think it matters that mom is where she lived and loved. Honestly, i like having her here. i don't want to live in Texas, and i decided a while ago that i do not want to live far from her if possible. i don't want to have her across the country (if she went to Texas, though, i would still feel the need to stay here to help care for my aunt, at least for a while at this point.)

i just need to become a better caregiver, a better "housewife", a better provider, a better leader at church, a better worker, a better witness, a better sister, a better friend. i know that if i trust God more, and try harder, i can do better. It's just a really daunting task.

Okay, let's go try this cleaning thing again. She's happily playing solitaire for now, so maybe i can continue.

On sickness, and dementia

So bubs and i have been sick most of this week. Currently, i'm dealing with some guilt about the fact that i basically feel well, but called off sick this morning. My reasoning behind this decision is the fact that i: a.) still have a slight fever, b.) still have an intermittent chest burning cough, c.) was sent home yesterday from work sick (my boss made it apparent that he did not want me sick at work and sickening others), and even d.) there was a little voice in my head blaring warning signals that if i sent mom to her day center, and she had the pre-sick germs, i risked getting elderly and/or injured and/or confused people sick. All of that, and the low grade fever that i decided to take as a fleece, made me decide to call off today. (Under the idea that i plan, Lord willing, on returning to work tomorrow fever or no, bub's will be home tomorrow for mom, and Lord willing we'll all be well by next Tuesday.)

A friend recently vented to me about the problems of having a sick toddler. Not knowing what's going on, they just know something is wrong, she said, so her son had recently clung to her in fear prior to throwing up on her..... several times.

Mom, thank and praise God!!!!! (for all!!) has been blessedly healthy.

Still, that comment made me think about the peculiarities of caring for someone with dementia who is ill or in pain.

See, much like the toddler, they do not necessarily realize why they are sick. When mom is sick or hurting, she is still restless often- she just wants to go out. She does not realize why the medicine is not working immediately, and wants more. She wants to go to the doctor- now. Immediacy is a big part of dementia. When you think about it- why wouldn't it be? If you knew you stood a decent chance of forgetting your current thought, or if you had trouble remembering a previous one, wouldn't you want to grasp that thought- that idea- that desire- and demand its fulfillment now? This may not be her thought process at all- it just occurred to me.

Also, while i have the advantage over the sick mother in that mom can be left alone for periods of time, or told to go play solitaire, and i have bubs to help me, there is still something to being a sick caregiver. Thank God!! even at its worst this current cold/flu/whatever hasn't been too extreme. Still, regardless of how i'm feeling, it's my responsibility to give mom her medicine at night. She still needs to eat, and to have her questions answered. She needs help getting ready to go to the center (except that she hasn't gone this week; after she was dressed Tuesday bubs decided he was staying home from school). All of this must be done with close attention being paid to trying not to get her sick. It's trying to talk her out of leaning over your bed, trying to remind her why she can't just use your phone, eventually giving up and walking to the store because otherwise she will probably just go herself. Not getting someone sick becomes more difficult when you have to care for them.
There is so much i should do today, simple things like cashing checks and calling our investment firm. The call i have no excuse not to make, but cashing the checks- well, i'm a little afraid of getting the tellers sick. At the very least i assured the newspaper they would have my assignment tonight- and thus need to pick up the police report (after a shower- i assure you, you do not want to know what days without conditioner and lying in bed for hours on end does to my appearance.)
Alright, i'll leave you for now.

On falling down steps.....

Mom just did. Now this ought to be a really short post, as i ought to be either a.) exercising, or b.) cleaning. My exercise buddy couldn't go though, and it was while trying to decide whether to spend the two hours i had free exercising or cleaning (or a mixture of both) that mom walked down the stairs and showed me her knee.

Let's rewind just a mite. Normally, i help mom down our icy, falling apart steps. Today, though, i was standing out by the sidewalk holding dog and muzzle. See our very intelligent dog has figured out that if he snaps at the vet, with lots of growls and bared teeth, no one will touch him. So we have to attempt to muzzle train him. Me having health insurance, i was elected the muzzle-er. The idea was to muzzle him, then take him for a walk and give him treats- see, a muzzle is a good thing! So i was standing there, waiting for bubs, and mom, so he could take the leash and we could get down to business.

As seems the way, i believe i had just cautioned bubs on watching mom when, in slow motion, she slid head first down the stairs. Bubs said one of the bricks moved. It was odd to watch, for she really did seem almost to slide, not to crash.

Thank God, Praise God (for all!!) !!!!! that she was not seriously hurt. In fact, i think the snow and ice was a blessing, and, after some significant getting up gyrations (have you ever tried to erect an elderly-ish woman who just fell down the stairs, factoring in a concerned dog, snow and ice, and unusual steps?) we seemed okay. We continued the walk (muzzle is too small by the way), and she went up to the bathroom.

It was only when she came back downstairs that she showed me her knee. Bloody, swollen, it of course made me feel like a bad caregiver a bit. Especially when i couldn't find our first aid supplies.

Thank God, we live next to a daycare. (i.e. tons of kids, i.e. tons of boo-boos) So after borrowing supplies, i sat her down in a chair with a frozen pudding cup on her leg. (This didn't work for long, she tried to eat the pudding.)

We're all sitting here now, recovered from the adventure. (She's playing solitaire, the un-muzzled dog is snoring on my pillow, bubs is facebooking and i'm blogging.)

i think cleaning may win out. After all, it seems the more responsible thing to do, and then i'll likely watch some tv with bubs and maybe work on my grant.

God is good. Little things like this are the domestic tableau on which we now comment. Such a change from before. Not bad, just different. In fact, i think it's good, a natural part of God's plan.

On (not) being a parent.....

There's a phrase which has been driving me crazy lately. It's meant well, and it very well may be true, so generally i manage at least not to say anything caustic. It's a simple phrase, and adaptable to many situations and many variations. Here it is, "Oh, that's because you don't have kids. When you have kids.....". At lunch with a group of co-workers, who are on weight watchers, when i tell them my plan of exercising instead of dieting, "Enjoy it, you won't have time when you have kids." Right now i am drawing a blank on the other time it was said (edit: eventually i remembered, it was about working a second job), but i wish i weren't, because it annoyed me enough that i almost snapped at the woman. My reasoning for being annoyed is really groundless. I don't have kids, and realize that my world would change if i did. Kids require twenty-four hour care. Kids require money. I get that. Here's what annoys me though-

People assume that being in your thirties and not having kids makes you a bastion of care free money and time.

It's as if just because i don't have kids, i don't have responsibilities. i am the sex and the city ladies, living the glamorous party life, going out whenever i want, spending time however i want, carefree. When i get my paycheck, i'll spend it on my rent and what little food fills my bachelorette pad, and then go out to movies and concerts and eat exciting food with exciting men.

Yeah, no. Now i realize that i am really bad at this housewife stuff. Right now, for instance, i could be cleaning, and instead i'm blogging with the scant hour i have before going back to work (whoops a phone call means i will be walking the dog in a minute so, so still not cleaning). Here's the thing though- in many ways i feel like a wife and mom.

My paycheck this weekend, well, i did go shopping with it. I bought shoes for myself, my brother, and my mom. I bought him a new shirt for school. I bought slipper socks for my aunt in the hospital. I attended an appointment Saturday morning to fill out my aunt's admissions paperwork to her therapy floor. (By the way, i was up at about six-thirty or seven am so i could exercise before that.) Then, i went and spent $130 on groceries, saving $20 with my coupons. i did spend money on three books ($3.75 on sale a piece) and some picture frames for my office, and a box of candy, that is true.

Today is a Monday. I got up this morning and went to work. There, i am working on a 1.6 million dollar grant. Tonight, we're going to my night job. Bubs had to work, so mom is going with me, and i'm praising God that it's warm enough out there for her to ride along and sit in the car.

The house is a mess, if i don't clean it. Tonight i have to write a check for our home insurance, or it will be canceled. The electricity almost was, before i paid that one. Sometimes i move money around from mom's account to mine to pay.

Well, i saved this when i walked the dog with said friend. It's now Saturday, and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Still, i wanted to finish and send this out (then i really ought to edit my grant, instead of the sleep which my body is screaming for).

So here is the point to sum up this post: Praise God! thank God! (for all) that my life is great right now. :OD. This is not to complain about it. Plus, i respect parents, and realize that i can leave mom alone, and that my life is not like having kids, etc. Even today, though, a friend made a casual comment, related to this post. So to underscore my thesis, i have a simple respectful request: please, dear parents, don't assume that you have the market on being responsible and caring for people. The rest of us who, despite being unmarried non-parents don't live like our television single thirty-something counterparts, don't always appreciate hearing how much harder our lives will be when we become you. Thanks.

On contentment.....

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, and when I think of other things to post I think that I can't because this one is still unwritten. So here is what I've decided to call the state of the me- 2010.

K-Love radio recently focused on the "one word" for the coming year movement. You were to set one word to focus on for the coming year in your spiritual life.

My one word, I decided, was content.

I really have been lately too, thank and praise God! (for all!).

I've decided that this caregiving thing is a blessing from God. That God is keeping mom really quite well. That caring for my aunt has been an additional blessing. That a warm dog in my bed is a comfortable state at night. That Tylenol is further proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. That somehow, inexplicably, (except that it isn't inexplicable as it is clearly God's intervention and grace) i've landed in a job doing just what i want to be doing. i'm a grantwriter, but he's giving me the ability to do so much more. Social media, fundraising, a newsletter, website content management..... it's really very up my alley. i have a giant office, now all my own, decorated as i like with the pictures of the travels God blessed me with. i have a gorgeous niece, and a wonderful family. My job is super family friendly, in the way that anytime i need time off i have it, and yesterday mom was able to come and sit in my office with me at the end of the day, and my boss was fine with the idea. i have a brother to help me. Most importantly i have God!

So yes, this year, Lord, please help me to remember to be content, though forgive and pardon me when i fail in this endeavor. Thank You and praise You for all!!!!!

amen.

cause tonight's gonna be a good night

Look over there. See that woman there, the epitome of Christmas card domesticity? Her gifts are wrapped under her elegantly garlanded tree, her family is downstairs eagerly awaiting the fresh breakfast she is cooking at nine am, the house is sparkling, the stockings are opened, there are carols playing softly on the radio and she surveys yet another picture postcard Christmas. That's not me- i'm over there. No, not that woman either, the one who has the slightly less clean house, and the slightly less well behaved children slavishly munching down chocolate before breakfast. No, see instead the woman frantically plunging the bathroom sink with the toilet plunger, still dressed in her pajamas, crinkling her nose at the nasty odor wafting from the bowels of the pipes, just trying to get the sink to drain enough for her elderly aunt's use later. She is left to clean the house in preparation of the bid visit, whilst her brother and mom pick up the guest of honor. This was a hard won battle, amidst yelling and swearing, and, admittedly, a complete emotional breakdown on the part of the would be plumber, but the house now quiet save for the sploosh and splash of the water, the cats, and the dog. The presents are as of yet unwrapped. This woman is me, and i recognize that probably more women are this woman on Christmas day than the first. See, the emotional breakdown was largely due to the fact that i had spent weeks trying to get things ready in advance, off and on, so that i wouldn't feel rushed and stressed. i was trying for a postcard Christmas, not perfect mind you, but nice and stress free. Then i overslept, and didn't get up and get things done as planned. This left me behind, stressed, and guilty. Anyone who knows me well, knows that guilt is one of my chief emotions, and it is probably all of these emotions rolled up which sparked the emotional explosion. Yes, i think at least one wall was punched.
Here's the thing, though, which is what i was considering as i plunged the sink. (It cleared, thank and praise God! (for all!)!) There are probably so many women like me that morning, upset because they didn't create the perfect Christmas for their family, that lost sight of what Christmas is all about! Christmas is about Jesus's gift, God's gift, the birth of a holy Baby, and salvation eternal. All of the trappings. the trees, tinsel, and family time, are blessings of God, and i'm very grateful for them! When we obsess, however, over them to the point that we aren't enjoying ourselves because we are trying so hard to achieve that certain level of holiday beauty which will allow us to enjoy ourselves, well, we're kind of missing the boat.
God showed me this over a plunger. Praise Him!
By the way, that Christmas turned out to be wonderful! By the time they all arrived, the house was clean enough, the sink drained, and everyone was in a better mood. We ate the annual brunch, washed dishes, visited with a visiting widower mom knows, ate tofurkey, watched the parade from Disney with a wide eyed aunt, and overall thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Thank God, praise God for all!!!!!

cause nine months is too long,

i've decided to move the novel to my old writing journal, at http://jaels-game.livejournal.com/ i didn't want to clog this journal up with a novel. go there, go, go. :).